Almost five years ago my parents came to live with us. My mother's health deteriorated, and my sister who lived near them died earlier that year.
Just after they came things were still good although I realized soon after that, there were a lot of things my Mom, then 76, just cannot do anymore. She could not walk without her walking stick. She lost control of her bladder and has a permanent catheter. She fell frequently and she could not shower without help.
All that was still ok. My whole live my parents were there for me. They always supported my family and me, and their help was invaluable. So, I always said I will look after my parents when they are old.
My mom and dad both were already diabetics, my dad had a heart bypass about 4 years earlier, and he was doing fairly good.
About a year after we started living together, one morning when my Mom woke up she could not talk clearly and could not get up on her own. I phoned the ambulance, and she was taken to hospital. While there, she was diagnosed with Binswanger's disease, it's a disease where you get a lot of small strokes. A lump in her breast was also discovered and cancer was diagnosed. The lump was removed. My father and she decided that she won't go for chemo at her age and the oncologist just put her on a pill that suppress the estrogen production. She went for regular checkups and the cancer was the least of her problems.
As time went on she had a few more of the small strokes whereby every time another little part of the brain dies. She struggled more and more to walk. I remember the day we got her the new walker, it was a joyful day. We had a lot of fun taking her to the shops. My hubby let her sit on the seat, and he was running up and down the isles with her.
We still could go eat out together, went to the beach etc, although it was getting progressively more difficult to go out with her.
In the meantime after they were with us about 2 years, we noticed that my Dad was getting forgetful, and he could not always remember how to get to places. He loved my hubby very much, and they got along very well.
But my Dad's personality was changing. He got very suspicious. He lost his possessions and if he could not find something he accused the maid and my hubby of stealing. It was getting so bad that we decided to live in one part of the house. We put a door in the passage and avoid going into their side. My Dad became like a madman every day he reported to me different things that my hubby supposedly stole from him. Our relationship deteriorate a lot. I fought with him, plead with him, cried, nothing could convince him that my hubby was not stealing from him.
He started to take our stuff just saying it's his. He was not formally diagnosed with Alzheimer's as the doctor told me that the tests will cost a lot of money, but he said everything I told him, he can tell me it's the onset of Alzheimer's disease.
One day I just realized I was very sad and depressed. It suddenly come to me that I was grieving, I was grieving the lost of my parents although they were still alive. I did not know that this grief had a name. A cousin of mine shared a post on Facebook about Anticipatory grief and I realized that was what I was going through. It was legit it had a name.
When someone has a disease, injury, or condition that permanently changes their personality, like Alzheimer's, the grief may come as it sinks in that your loved one, as you knew them, will be "gone" even before they're gone.
Knowing that my continuous sadness was Anticipatory grief does not make it easier, but in a way it helps to at least know what is happening. I am grieving for both my parents, although both still alive so much was lost in the past 2 years.
In the next post I will write more about Anticipatory grief and how to cope with it.
Thank you for reading, and that I can share my story with you.
hope777
