“I want you to look inside the next time you say yes to something. Do you wish you didn't say yes? How does it feel? You are not a bad friend if you give them fast notice that you can not help them. Call them right away to tell them you have a schedule conflict.” ― Tracy Malone
There is a difference between being a kind, considerate individual and being a doormat. I have all the time in the world for honestly GOOD people… that have back bones! – In fact – I might be so bold as to basket myself alongside those… but I have a very low to zero tolerance for people that simply never seem to stand up for themselves but perpetuate their situation...
There are two primary reasons why I find ‘people pleasers exhausting… Firstly, because they deserve better. These people are always the ones that continuously and repeatedly put up with and ‘swallow’ things, situations or circumstances which they actually don’t want or agree with. This is so fundamentally WRONG and damaging to them as individuals and their personal growth. What you think and want matters! – YES, it does! And secondly, because they repeatedly burden everyone around them because internally they KNOW they deserve better but cant bring themselves to change it!
Sounds harsh, yes. But it’s true! People who never say NO when they should (or when they want to) will generally offload onto someone close to them because of their inner disapproval for their decision making.
I understand that every person’s character dynamic is founded and formed by on-going circumstance throughout their lives, and it is often easier for some to stand up for themselves than it is for others, but what I have an issue with is when those that lack the ability to do so, go to others for guidance, advice or support – they receive it - and then, they don’t use it, ever!
We all have our issues and (in my opinion) are all beautifully and perfectly flawed. It is precisely what makes us all so uniquely magnificent, but don’t ask for help or advice if you never intend to actually use it. To my mind, doing that on a regular basis is essentially dragging other people into your realm of indecision, doubt and frustration. In essence you are using them so that you – can offload but stay precisely where you started, because it is easier than the challenge of change! – Not cool!
If you come to me with a question about solving a problem that you essentially created yourself, I advise you and you choose to ignore ‘said advice’ – please know that each and every time that you approach me from that point forward, my enthusiasm for offering advice is bound to diminish. Why? - Because advice is a tool. Tools are pretty damn useless when left lying on the floor.
Apart from that, whilst I love helping people who at least attempt to help themselves – I also have my own issues, decisions and circumstance to deal with on a daily basis. Let’s be honest, for the most part, our lives are all crazy busy and we have so little time left at the end of each day for anything much of true quality, that, to be quite frank, I would far rather expend my ‘spare energy’ on something or someone a little more constructive or inspiring! - Dont get me wrong - I am always willing to be there for someone who is making an attempt at being there for themselves!
“If you want something badly enough, you will find a way – if not, you will find an excuse.”
There is so much truth in that statement! If you are stuck in a vicious, repetitive circle of ‘people pleasing’ – never standing up for what you want, saying yes all the time, never disagreeing and so on and so forth - and you would like things to start unfolding differently – then guess what – you actually have to make an effort to do just that! Nothing in your life, my life or anyone else’s would ever be any different if we all just sat and whined all day about everything that made us unhappy.
I have had to overcome many challenges in my life, some battles I continue to fight in the hopes that one day those demons too, will be laid to rest, but I will only go to someone for advice if I am truly seeking change. I am not going to sit and suck the life out of another so that I can momentarily feel better about myself, shrug off the present issue and then come back knocking when “oops I did it again.” No! Bugger off – seriously!
Am I being cruel? I don’t think so. Selfish? - Yes, perhaps a little – but sometimes a little selfishness is not such a bad thing – because I matter! (See what I did there... lol)
The next time you are in a position where you are feeling ‘obligated’ to say one thing, but REALLY want to say another – try, JUST TRY to say what you REALLY want to, and see how utterly liberated you walk away feeling! Start with the small stuff and build from there. “No, that is not how you spell my name” or “No, I am really not up to joining, but thanks for the offer.” Baby steps… baby steps…
The people you turn to for advice in these moments are not random, they have a purpose, a role to play, tools to offer… but you have to take the tools in hand and test out the advice in order to determine whether or not it works for you. If it doesn’t, fine – at least you tried, but don't get stuck into a cycle that at some point you will struggle to get out of!
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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