“It’s OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.” ― Mandy Hale
Took a walk this morning – yesterday too for that matter - had been a while… and it was good… really good! As some of you know already, Jude and I are staying up at my dad’s place, outside of the city because we are busy with plans to build and move here. At home I have a treadmill because it really isn’t safe to go walking alone anymore. Some do – but I won’t, because I am a mother – my son needs me…. not to get abducted, lol! We have been here for a few months now and it is not so much that I have missed my treadmill, but rather the escape and morning kick off, the time for personal reflection as well as the physical benefits.
My dad walks pretty much every second morning and each time he leaves it reminds me how much I miss it – even if I were walking “still” on a rubber belt. The other night we got into a conversation and I explained to him that I am so tired of being filled with fear at every turn in my life and that I wanted to change that. I “attempted” to go for a walk shortly after we began staying here but a little way down the road, I turned back out of complete fear. This is NOT a natural way of being!!! We have been here for quite a bit longer now – approx. five months, have done many a walk and my fear and anxiety have lessened to a great degree.
During this conversation, I had said to my dad that I was going to go for a walk alone the following morning. I did. We also spoke about the fact that my fear had even prevented me from getting into my car and doing a simple thing like going to get groceries, unless I really had to! It is amusing really, because there is nothing to it – other than my mind. Today, I told him Jude and I were going to get the goods for the dinner burgers. Politely, he said “I can go get those” to which I replied ”Thank you dad, but NO – I NEED to get into my car and get the fnck out of this place, because if I am going to live here – I need to get over myself". He smiled and agreed. It seems silly, and really – it is, but it is also very real.
I am actually a pretty confident driver, and I suppose this is what annoys me most… because I allow my insecurity to control my life to a point of not doing things I want to because of fear… but when I finally do – I am like WTF was I going on about again?!!! We got into the car this morning and Jude did as any kid would – chirped me ”Do you even remember how to drive mom?!” lol – little shit! I drove him up to this spot just over a month ago and have taken him out a fair amount – but hey… I can appreciate where his humour came from.
We got to the shops, did what we needed to do and left. I drive a 1996 Mercedes 220 Elegance. It was probably one of the last Mercedes that was a 50/50 build of of computerised and mechanical which is why I love it so much! I have a great appreciation for old cars and Mercedes Benz has always been way ahead of their time anyway, so even a 1980’s model of any kind won’t feel like a car from that era.
We got stuck behind some daisy drivers… (yeah I am impatient when it comes to speed) and so I engaged the accelerator pedal sensor - which essentially just quickly shifts yours gears lower for fast acceleration…. And so we FLEW past the two daisies…. Jude was like “MOMMY!!!! You are speeding!!!!” hahahaha!! So cute. I explained that I was STILL driving within the speed limit and that the other two people were moving WAY too slow – like borderline illegally slow, lol! Noted how he looked at how far behind us they were through his side mirror though lol, cutie pie! My son is such a sensible little soul and his mother is a saint don’t you know!
A small moment, but it reminded me that I am not my fears. I am not defined by my mental restrictions. There my little boy was… “WOAH MOMMY THAT WAS FAST” – and I was driving at the speed limit…. Ok, maaaaybe a tad over, lol – but he did not need to know that - Inconsequential moments in time which afford large perspective. We allow molehills to become mountains! Such a trivial thing which I have been allowing to “eat at my mind” for quite some time… done! And now I am like OMG you IDIOT! Lol! The mind is a powerful thing ya?!!!That shit needs to be reigned in sometimes! lol!
Right, back to the walking... such an incredibly meditative activity – well, I consider it so at any rate. It allows you time to process thoughts, emotions – make plans or simply just clear it ALL out and enjoy the sights and sounds. As a youngster, I was not only fearless, but reckless. This, coupled with the environmental factors which we live with in most parts of South Africa it really isn’t any surprise that fear gained easy control over large portions of my life… however, having said that – I think the important thing is that I recognise that and want to change it.
My mother was riddled with fear for most of her life and I saw how that destroyed her from the inside out. I do not want that for myself – I owe it to my son to NOT be like that and even if I move slowly in the right direction, crossing small things off my list as I go along my way… at least I am moving in the right direction. As much as I loved and will continue to love my mom, I cannot help but sit and contemplate that because we were as close as we were that it actually hindered me to a degree, because I am so receptive to the emotional energy of others.
There is good reason for endless quotes from countless people over the ages which express and validate the importance as well the impact of the company you keep. Lately, I have experienced that first hand in the most incredibly positive approach. It has opened my eyes, my heart and made me open to the possibility that I am not all the negative things I tell myself in the middle of the night. I am not the fears I have accumulated over the years – I am ME, and I – just like you… am worthy of all the beauty and blessing which life has to offer.
It is incredible really, how much fresher and brighter the world is when you fill it with the right people and thoughts - the good stuff! Something I have been greatly blessed with of late and it inspires me to cultivate a better version of my current self. A connection which I love dearly! I write a lot about this, and you know what... it never gets old! (Not to me any way!) There is an ENERGY attached to all of this! I commented briefly on a post recently by 
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ― John Lennon
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ― Marianne Williamson
I am not of the belief that we are here to be but ordinary. We are not here to merely exist, enslave ourselves and then die. We are not here to be shrouded by fear, insecurity nor loathing. We are here to do magnificent things. Every SINGLE one, unique and divine in it's own right. The sight of such can get lost along the way. Life today is a master distraction. It has been designed that way. It has been designed to make us fail. We need to see this, identify it outwardly AND inwardly. Then, and ONLY then... we can actually do something about it.
“Fear doesn't shut you down; it wakes you up”
― Veronica Roth
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Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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