Less Flight - More Fight!

I share the above quote more for convincing myself than anything else… I mean that is the entire purpose of reading quotes is it not – to convince ourselves – to shift our mind-set from one state of being to another. Truth is, our mind will believe anything it is told often enough and this is a recipe I have lived more than once. It is one which works and I will continue to use it.

Glory, I have whinged a lot in my posts lately – I am sorry!!!! Yeah sure, my content is normally emotionally or psychologically driven but the tone lately has not been “me”… it has been different and that is because things in my life right now are VERY “different” (if that is even the word). I just thought I would put that out there for the sake of pushing the opaque toward transparency. No, I will not get into any detail – it is simply not necessary, but the explanation alone I felt – was necessary and as I travel this “new road” I can only ask for your patience with my expressions, if you will.

My blog space here has always been a synced part of my life, emotional process, healing and growth. It is where I come to share my thoughts, feelings, joys, frustrations, fears and a few foodie or travel adventures along the way – my intention always being, that some of my words or experiences resonate with another. A quote I read once, which I have always associated with my somewhat eccentric and demonstrative writing…. ***“One Day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will become someone else’s survival guide”. *** That is what it is all about for me – even if I never even know it happened! Sharing our life experiences through written word is not only healing to ourselves but also affords comfort to the many silent mouths which read them.

Today I am writing about my own “fight or flight” issues which reared their head yesterday. These “knee jerk” emotions are not something I have had to deal with for a very long time if I am honest, for the simple reason that I have been living in something which I can refer to as nothing more than a “dead space”. In many ways it was a comfortable space – “dead” can feel good, as strange as that sounds – it alleviates complication for the most part… but it also cancels out all the amazing things which your life should be presenting you with. Thing is, when you have been hurt – really hurt, self-preservation becomes a priority and bubble wrap… offers that, but like I say – simultaneously keeps everything else at bay too.
 
A little while ago, I had reason to believe I could unwind the bubble wrap, stand exposed and allow myself to be “prodded” again… you know, see if I could actually still feel anything. I did… and how! I was swept up, carried, enveloped and almost drowned in how much I felt… and you know what – it felt SO FNCKING GOOD, not only to FEEL, but to feel WHAT and HOW I did! I want to feel like that forever… but my fears are messing with my plans! They stand there, sniggering, laughing and mocking my passionate abandon, just stoking the fire of insecurity… and then, all it takes is one little moment… one sentence and my mind will say “told you so!”… it is literally a complete system shutdown from that point forward.

Internal negotiation naturally happens, the demons lay low and suddenly I am looking at the empty space which they created. Pretty much like arriving late to a party being held in your own house… you missed the point and fun of it all, but are still left to handle the aftermath. I am getting REAL tired of cleaning up after my fncking demons!!!! And what peeves me more about this situation more than any other is that I know in my heart, the VERY person which I shut out… is the SAME one who will tame those demons completely if given even half a chance.

I spent eight years of my life married to someone who abused me physically, emotionally and verbally. He was also not the first – my teen boyfriend of five years was. I have since spent the last 8+ years with someone who is simply incapable of emotional expression (unless that expression is dominance). I suppose I just flicked the switch off – got over it all! I was not expecting the tidal wave which was delivered (thank you universe). I was and am, ill prepared… but I want it, him! YES – HIM! I want him – YOU! Another broken individual… just like me, but one that actually WANTS to understand me and all my broken bits… Does it EVER get better than that?! Unlikely! FNCK YOU DEMONS – TAKE THE BACK SEAT, OR BETTER YET… GET THE FNCK OUT!

Our fears and insecurities rob of us of so much in life. Like thieves in the night they steal all the things we value the most, deprive us of the good and put our focus in all the wrong places. I see you! I hear you! I acknowledge you! And then I DENY YOU ANY FURTHER ACCESS TO MY LIFE! For the first time in my life, I have been blessed with someone who loves me COMPLETELY and I am NOT going to take him for granted or disregard him because of environmental manipulation or my own demons. Absolutely EVERYTHING about my life has been richer for your presence and all I want, is more of that! You know who you are. Yip, no half measures anymore… not that there ever were, but let’s just say… no more hiding in the shadows – not for me anyway… If you will still have me, that is.

Apologies, y’all just got caught up in a bit of a moment there… hope it was better than the last “romance” you watched lol! I suppose I should get to a point, if you have not yet picked up on one through everything I have written, essentially what I am saying is this… Don’t let the bad experiences of your past hinder your future.

“Make a promise to yourself that you will always choose growth over safe and dreams over fear.” ― Brittany Burgunder