Yesterday consisted of me laying face down on my bed under a weighted blanket while crying into a hand towel. I got up this morning with puffy, red eyes and a sickly look, but it was better than my look from last night. My partner told me I'd lost all my color and asked me to please not spin out.

I found a mirror. She was right. I was spinning out, but what could I do? I had spent the day tucked in my room trying not to share my morbid thoughts and feelings. I knew what I needed was lots of hugs and cuddling. Touch is what most frequently brings me out of the sadness. But my partner does not welcome touch as much as I do. And while we make frequent contact, being quarantined from other humans (including my children) means that I am still only receiving a fraction of the touch I am used to.

This is a new roadblock for me. I'm curious who else out there is dealing with advancing depression or stronger depressive episodes while acclimating to this new "normal."

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I'd love to tell you I didn't spiral last night, but the truth is I had crossed that line early in the morning when intrusive thoughts told me I am ugly. I am a burden. I am a problem. My partner can't be happy with me. My moods are too much. I'm fat.

It went on and on. And it hurt.

So I cried.

Crying was the right thing to do. Even as I was spinning out, I was still taking stock of what I needed in that moment. I recognized that I was at risk of placing the onus of my depression on my partner, so I took space from her. I reached out via text to a close friend to tell her I wasn't doing well and my plan was to cry under blankets. I recognized that I needed hugs but it would be damaging to pressure my partner for touch. She isn't going to be able to give me as much touch as I need, and she shouldn't have to even if it is only the two of us in this house. She has work to do and her own needs, a big one of which is space. So I pulled out my weighted blanket and wrapped up in it, trying to feel hugged another way.

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Depression makes it nearly impossible to remember what to do when you are in the depths of it. There have been many times I was not able to think clearly enough to come up with a plan, let alone take action.

If you are living alone or with someone else, here are some steps you can take to support your mental wellness:

1. Make a list of what you most need when you are down.
2. Make a realistic list of what can be done to meet those needs. If you are counting on another person to help fulfill these needs, make note of their needs so you can remember that there are boundaries to observe and they exist beyond your depression.
3. Create a list of trusted individuals to reach out to and how to reach them.
4. Write yourself a note saying, "Hey, it's a hard time right now. It isn't always like this."

I hope this helps you. Please comment with more tips and tricks.

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I teach blogging, expressive writing for traumatic release and recovery and host generative writing sessions at the Center for Creative Writing. Write with me!