I am currently in as deep an emotional slump as I've been in years.
To start with, I have been clinically depressed for years, took psychoactive meds for a long while.
Things have improved in many ways, some... not so much.
This current slump (here I am self diagnosing) began last Autumn with the death of an older sibling.
I got to see her before she passed, but directly on my arrival back here to Hotlanta, my niece and her husband became very needy.
He was a quadriplegic, she his primary caregiver with me as an unpaid secondary.
She also had "female surgery" on Wed, the day before I left to visit my sister.
She is hard headed and a control freak, hence the reason they couldn't get any professional caregivers to hang around.
So having had my own emotional trauma to deal with, when I was called to come over and fix some tea (which I thought was trivial) I began to get my back up.
That was Friday. She had help on Saturday, but that person was unavailable on Sunday because she was going to a football game.
I was sick Sunday, so my hard headed niece pulled out her urinary catheter and fell right back in to her role as his caregiver, while still healing.
Monday she asked if I could
1.Come over to pick up a prescription, and
2.drop off a package at the UPS store.
Both things were very close by, and even though I was still sickish, I went over.
The box wasn't ready and she was walking around talking about crap that was of no consequence (I'm still sickish, remember?) So I snapped and said something (loudly) along the lines of "will you just get the damned box ready please?"
He perceived this as yelling (I was really) and told me to get out.
I did, but I got the prescription and dropped it back.
As I was walking past him on my way out, I leaned over and said "You gotta find someone else to be your caregiver now Tom" and I left.
That was last Oct. I never saw him again, as about the beginning of Jan he got a UTI (common for him, since he had a suprapubic Catheter)
Despite her giving him antibiotics she had on hand (common practice for her) he ended up in the ER, then ICU.
Beside the UTI, he also had a badly infected (and burst I think) Gall Bladder.
Surgery was done to clean out that mess, but he was already in such a weakened state that he didn't recover, and he died.
At first, My Niece invited me to come over to say goodbye if I wanted, but then a few minutes later said that "the girls" (their two daughters) didn't want anyone else there as he passed from this world.
It was another 10 days before arrangements could be made for a service (this past Saturday) and I'd fully intended to go, but the preceding week was filled with activity and disappointment.
On Friday I missed an in-person medical appointment (I did call ahead) and Saturday, I spent the entire day in bed, didn't get up until about 1:30 pm
Sunday I was going to go over to their house to see the girls, but they didn't want me there to say goodbye to their Father, so... I drank two bottles of wine instead.
Yesterday (Monday) I didn't get up until about 4:30 pm.
So my conundrum; had I not blown up last Oct, and remained around to help keep him healthy, would he still be here?
Am I beating myself up for no reason?
If nothing else I would have had a chance to apologize and say goodbye.
So now the man in the chair is no longer in the picture. That daughter lives and works in Belgium, my niece (who only got the life ins and the house) must clear out all this stuff before she can once more live a life free and do what she wants with her time.
I wish her well, but I wish I could also get this feeling of guilt off my back as well.
"In need of online therapy"
by
Jerry E Smith
©02/14/2023
All images are mine but the top image, which is from pixabay
