These days I'm thinking a lot about growing up.
Maybe it's because I turn 30 in a few days, maybe because I experienced loss for the first time consciously, maybe because I have the feeling that I still don't express myself fully and still wonder how to present myself to the world.
Probably it's all connected, like everything.
The other day I tried to take a photo of myself, because I want to have a new profile picture for a while now and I'm finally reunited with my good old Canon camera again (my parents brought it from Germany when they came visiting).
I'm not that comfortable in front of a camera in general, but I took self-portraits before and I thought I was able to take at least some decent photos.
But when I reviewed them on my laptop I somehow didn't like them. Something was missing. There was not one photo I could resonate with.
It's not that I don't find myself pretty enough or anything.
It's more the look in my eyes.
Maybe it's just me and you wouldn't think that at all, but it's still the look of a girl, not a woman.
Still a girl that doesn't know how big she is, how strong, and what she has to give to the world.
But I want to be a woman! (says the girl, lol)
I still can't really access that part of me. I feel that in a lot of situations actually, but seeing it on pictures really reminded me of what I'm still missing and what I want to learn and become.
I know I'm probably just impatient.
Growing up is something we can't make, it happens while we live and go forward every day, make experiences and learn.
Also, isn't life more about growing? Not growing up and then stop? ^^
Maybe the fact that I'm thinking so much about it and feel so melancholic lately is a sign that I'm already about to level up (fingers crossed ^^).
It would fit the overall situation actually!
A new chapter, a new stretch of this Magical Mystery Tour is around the corner.
We're soon gonna leave this cosy valley where we've been house-sitting an off-grid homestead for the last 10 months. The owner is about to come back from working abroad and we got an invitation to Montenegro (yes, Montenegro again ^^), where we're gonna stay with my man's brother during September <3
I'm looking forward to the change, to see some family again and the ocean. It feels quite right to move on.
So by the end of the month we're in travel-mode again. Beyond September we have no clue where Universe is gonna take us, but as always we're gonna know which door to take when it opens up :-)
Now that I'm writing all this down I feel much better and more optimistic already. Writing always helps and I thank you a lot for reading <3
I think I just want to feel secure, like we all do. Secure in myself, strong, confident, and all that stuff that I was told I would feel when I'm an adult ^^
It just takes a little longer than I expected, I guess.
But who knows, maybe I'll get wiser over night on my 30th birthday. I'm actually looking forward to it. The 20s were a long and hard decade of apprenticeship and I'm not at all sad that it's over ^^
So, after thinking about it a lot I decided to post some of the mentioned photos here, for archival reasons and for my future self to reflect on.
This is me being almost 30 years old <3
all images (and animations) by me