Why is it one gets out of a difficult situation only to land on another? Can’t it all just chill out a bit? Sometimes Life just throws too many curveballs all at once… I need peace in my heart. I suppose you just can’t be strong enough to manage everything all that needs attention.
Honestly I don’t wish to control anyone’s life, nor do I want to be controlled. But if feels as if the game of action-reaction can doesn’t ever stop, and my previous actions keep constantly coming back to haunt me.
Anyway, enough energy and power to those thoughts. I decide to reclaim my right to choose where I focus my attention. Right now I’ll allow myself to drift away into this music.
I think of the native people of America (and I don’t mean the US, I mean ALL OF AMERICA). I think of their wisdom, their connection to Earth, to dreams, to the skies. They learned to live in amplified awareness and now we do everything we can as a society to shut our senses out, to make it quickly through the day with as little perception as possible so we can evade our pain, our wounds.
It’s hard to stay present. Like many others, I seek shelter in technology, in food, in tobacco, in planning new structures that are supposed to easily carry me into the best life I could imagine. Like everything else around me, it just keeps crumbling down. Nothing seems to pass the test of time.
I allow myself to surrender. It’s not necessary. All weight is extra weight. These times don’t seemed designed to cling on to anything. I sometimes think I have already given all I have to give to the people around me, that there is nothing left to say or do, that all my actions are only born from the fear of death and loneliness.
Is this just a moment of weakness or unprecedented clarity? Who can be the judge of that aside from me? No, I’m clearly anxious. I’m lost between the right and the wrong. I’m imagining outcomes of actions that haven’t been taken. I must breathe.
Two days ago I felt so (apparently) complete, peaceful and grateful, but for some reason I rejected this state of mind. I guess it is the burden of seekers to never settle for anything. Comfort just won’t satisfy us. We demand to feel in awe of existence. We cannot fit into permanent roles. I release myself from the pressure of permanence.
I feel like I’m burning inside. It’s ok, may this fire provide warmth and light.
So, now that I got that off my chest, I might be able to focus on what I want to create. On that matter there are some things to be really grateful about. For example, the government in Chile allowed the withdrawal of a percentage of the pension funds so I’ll have that cash to finally build myself a home where I can live. This will allow me to stop being a drifter and set a foundation to do the permaculture works I’ve been dreaming of all this time.
Materially speaking I’ve been quite blessed lately as nothing has been amiss. Plenty of food and warmth, though the cold sometimes makes it’s way inside. Waiting for spring to bring in the flowers and colors back into Life.