It’s real!... And Sarah lost all her hair!

Now, I know what you’re all thinking, “Gonzo, when’s the divorce?”

Woah, there quick draw! I can’t just go divorcing her for being bald, sure I thought about it, but I eventually decided that I’m not a shallow person.

So yeah, Sarah got really sick and slept for like two weeks. I tried to take care of her, but due to my brain swelling, I could barely see and by day two there was a problem, I ran out of chips and cookies.

Now this might sound frivolous, but when you can’t see well enough to cook and your wife is catatonic, well that is a recipe for starvation. So, for the first time in over a year, I ventured out alone. The sun was much brighter than I remembered and it kept strobeing light at me in an attempt make me run into things.

I have to say, I was doing really well to avoid all the obstacles that kept abruptly popping into existence, but the one thing that I struggled with was the uneven side walk. Sometimes it would be so much lower than I expected that it would cause me to tip over and fall.

Now, if that’s not embarrassing enough, sometimes asshole motorists would honk at me to ensure that everyone saw my misfortune. But I didn’t let it get to me, I just casually got back up and offered a polite “excuse me” in the direction of all the horns screaming past; to show I was the bigger person.

Eventually I made it to the grocery store and I loaded up on junk food, one whole chicken and vegetables to make soup for Sarah. But as I journeyed home I began to feel extremely fatigued and when I arrived I was in no shape to try to cook soup: my head was pounding and my nose was gushing blood. I couldn’t figure out when the bleeding started or how to get it to stop. So after two hours of panicking while filling the bathroom with gore, I think I ran out of blood, because it finally stopped.

But then I was so dizzy, that I had to go lie down and before I knew it, I had slept for 36 hours straight. So in the end, Sarah never even got her soup, because I got covid too. Luckily my experience wasn’t too bad, but Sarah just kept sleeping. Then after ten days she woke up and all her hair was falling out. As you can imagine she wasn’t too thrilled; she grabbed the clippers and began demanding, “GI Jane me! Do it now!”

So, for the next hour, I blindly went to work, buzzing away until I hit an ear and then turning back until I hit another, like some crack-head pinball, turning my Stepford wife into a punk.

Before

After

Luckily, she knows a lot about natural medicine, so after months of rubbing a bunch of weird shit on her head, her hair has finally grown back.