The calm before the storm, Sark 2017I had a job interview yesterday...
I've needed the last 24hours to process this and understand how I felt and why this happened. Now that I have had a chance to do so I want to share my thoughts in the hope that it may help others.
The last time I had one was about 12 years ago and the last time I had officially earned an income was June 2018. These factors were already slightly daunting but I have been making use of my free time to gain valuable transferrable skills that I can bring to most employers. I still want to do the Eco Consultation Startup that I talked about a few posts back, but I feel that living on welfare is probably not the best example I can set for my children.
Before the interview, I did some breathing exercises that seemed to help calm my nerves. The interview went well, I felt prepared and was able to build a nice rapport with the panel who were interviewing me. It was the first time I have taken part in a video interview and I think that actually helped a little as I could spread my notes and prompts in front of me, out of view from the camera. After the interview ended, I was feeling quite happy so I whipped my headset off and made a cup of coffee.
But my body was behaving in a very strange way
As I waited for the kettle to boil, I suddenly felt shaky, dizzy but at the same time very hyper. I had a million thoughts racing through my head but none of them made sense. I was trying to think of all the things I needed to do for the day but couldn't fathom where to start with them. I began to feel a little manic. I went out front to join my neighbor for our customary morning cigarette. She asked me how the interview went and it was then that I was able to make sense of what was happening.
Through our conversation, I deciphered that my body had gone into fight or flight mode at some point either before or during the interview. So when I went back into the house I sat quietly and worked through ways I could release the adrenaline and return my body to its normal state of being.
Although I am feeling better today and the self-help techniques worked to stop the immediate symptoms, today I feel exhausted and I can only put it down to adrenal fatigue. This isn't the long-term type thankfully so I did a little research on what I can do today to help boost my energy levels and be focused. In hindsight, I should have realized that my past experiences may have caused these triggers and will be mindful of this in the future.
What I am Doing To Release This Feeling.
Find something to help feel calm
For me, that is playing my guitar or the piano. Sometimes it can be art, macrame, or even just listening to music. I don't try to feel the opposite of what I am feeling. If I feel sad, I will play or listen to sad music or draw something dark. in this instance yesterday, I played minor chords on my guitar. I wanted to allow the emotion to pass and playing the guitar in this way allowed the emotion to pass out of me through the action of playing.
Lists
These are a great way to bring yourself into the present, to organize your thoughts more clearly, and focus. I sat on the sofa and looked around the room, listing the objects I could see, I normally go for 5 but sometimes I need 7 or more. I learned this technique when searching for ways to help my eldest who was diagnosed with BPD and CPTSD a couple of years ago. These exercises help to bring you into the present and are not just useful for those with trauma diagnosis they can be used by anyone. I personally find it helpful in many ways.
Feed yourself.
Nutrition is really important in brain function and body response. So I made myself a marmite sandwich, as the high vitamin B12 content of this spread is actually beneficial to the adrenal glands. I think the sugar content of my coffee probably didn't help matters and should have gone with a cinnamon chai instead.
Later on...
By the time I had completed these, it was school pick up and although the shaky, dizzy feeling had gone I still felt a little restless. When we got home from school I chilled with the little dudes for a bit and then set to writing about celebrating life. This was kind of ironic as in that moment I think I was far from celebrating anything but I guess that my intentions and feelings are always to celebrate and be present so perhaps writing that post also was my way of releasing that overreaching energy. I did notice that I couldn't focus later on though. I tried to engage in the community but struggled to even read some posts. So I took myself to bed at a decent time having written off the day as an ok one but overwhelming.
Today I feel as though I want to go back to bed.
I ran a search on why I am feeling tired today and if it has anything to do with fight or flight mode. I discovered that adrenal fatigue is a thing that can happen if stress levels are not reduced. I think perhaps it is normal for our bodies to be exhausted after something stressful and that the tiredness is a response. What wouldn't be normal is leaving it unaddressed and allowing it to manifest into an illness that I have no desire to get.
I won't go back to bed, that will make me feel worse and as though I have not achieved anything today. I intend to pull through this. I have already cleaned my house, tidied up, and relaxed a little in my garden, tending to the veggies and repotting some thyme.
I wasn't feeling too hungry, which is what my body does under stress. I struggle to eat. So I made some pita and hummus and for dinner, I am making an avocado and chili spread on sourdough.
The next step is to go for a little walk on the beach. As I am writing this, I already feel a little better. Perhaps articulating these feelings and turning them into something that others may find helpful is also helping to bring me out of this. I haven't felt like this in a long time. It's funny as I really thought I had mostly healed from the thing that I went through, but I guess with all things, triggers can surface at any time.
I am thankful that I have somewhat of a basic understanding to get through them and not allow it to affect my day too much. I find out either today or tomorrow whether I got the job or not. I am remarkably not worried about this and have applied for more. Only time will decide that one and I intend to stay present and focused on the now and enjoy it.
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