Violence has so many forms and all the time we see it happening around us in some or the other form. Today the whole world is in the effect of violence in some way, day and night hearing stories of brutality, unexpected behaviors and what not.

When this question came up, some deep hidden emotions did surface up for me. Talking out is also one form of healing, releasing our deep buried emotions do help us heal and I do that as much as possible when I get a chance.

Let me share my story
It all starts right from my birth time. My father was a very nice person, I have very high regards for him because he sacrificed his life for me and my sister. He was a single parent for us and he did everything in his capacity to make sure that we grew up into becoming responsible individuals and manage our lives independently.

But the only one thing that had caught him up was addiction for alcohol. He was heavily addicted, he needed to drink every day and in huge quantity. He knew his habits were wrong and for that reason he had kept us far from him in a hostel.
Whenever he would drink, which was every day he would then become very abusive. He would not realize what he was saying. Today when I think back as a matured person, I can understand his behavior and sympathize with him, but as a child it was very traumatic for me and I was always very very fearful of him. I would not have courage to speak up to him ever even when he was not drunk.
In general he also had a very high temperament and would blast off any moment which was unpredictable. With growing up, I was getting more and more into my shell and my sister was getting more and more rebellious. We both were moving into opposite directions. I was timid, introvert, no self confidence, always scared and she was exactly the opposite.
I would end up crying every night thinking why do I have such parents. I would also think, why was I even born in the first place and I had major suicidal tendencies. I also attempted twice taking some pills. The second time it happened, my dad was very moved and he promised me that he will never ever shout at me.
But his addiction was so bad that he would not be in his senses once he was drunk and he would not remember anything.
Once he was drunk, either he would be extra loving or ferocious, it was very unpredictable at which moment he would blast, it would not be seconds that he would turn around.

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At that time all I wanted was to get out of that house and have a different life. I remember all I was doing was crying and crying all the time and cursing my destiny. It was so bad that when me, my sis and dad would go out, I would walk behind them, I did not have the courage to even walk together. I would try to keep away from his home as much as possible and hence would look for opportunities to go to my cousin's or aunt's place and be just away from him.

Being with him around would always make me feel tensed. I would just be on my toes all the time in his presence and do whatever he would say. When he would be in good mood, he would also tell me that why do I behave like that, but he never realized it was his own behavior. He would also tell me that I should act with confidence, he would give me all the right life lessons which I have never forgotten, lessons of honesty, integrity, to live with values in life, to always take care of less privileged people, this was always on top of his list and he would teach me that service is the most noble thing that one can do. No doubt I have learnt many many good things from him.
When he was nice, he was so loving to me, or rather I can also say that he loved me the most in his life and he also used to say that his mother has incarnated as me, because his mother was also a very soft woman. But he never realized that I was not soft, I was always scared, though yes I was soft also.
His abusive behavior was killing me every day, and I never had the courage to tell him anything. Yes but he never hit us or anything as such. Only his words were very bitter. Today I can relate that he was a nice person, but because of so much that he had to go through in his life he had become bitter, but then it was affecting us.

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With all of that I got married early as I just wanted to be out of that atmosphere.
My healing journey began after I got married. My husband is a very loving person. His love changed lot of things for me. Also after my son was born, there was a lot of change within me. One thing I had decided was that my Son will always be treated with love and respect and that I will never be hard on him. And as a result of that he is a extra pampered kid by his mother, but yes he is not spoilt that I can vouch for. Also he was turning out to be a extra timid child and I wondered if I have passed on my fear to him and I guess yes I had done that unknowingly in my pregnancy. That was an altogether another issue to deal with. Thankfully my whole family was with me on that and we always ensured that he had the most loving atmosphere to grow up in and with time he did overcome.

After my marriage my dad was diagnosed with brain tumor. In his last 2 years, he was completely bed ridden, the addiction had also created lot of other complications for him. Even before my marriage he would on and off be very sick and had to be hospitalized and that was another trauma for me. Right from my childhood days it was taking care of him in hospital.
After marriage when I moved out I feel he had some realization and then in his sickness when he was feeling very helpless I saw him as a very different person. He would cry and ask for forgiveness and would keep blessing me all the time.
It was like every single day there was just a play of emotions, I would cry, he would cry.

When he passed away, somewhere I felt a big relief and as if a burden getting off from my chest.
As time passed I realized that I started developing intolerance towards anyone talking to me loudly or anyone abusing even in general. If I would hear anyone abusing I would feel raged, I saw my personality changing from a timid person, I was almost becoming like my father, blowing off on small matters. A loud voice would piss me off like anything and I would be more louder then the opposite person. It was like from within something would tell me that I am not going to tolerate any nonsense.
My hubby would also tell me that I am over reacting.
On small matters either I would end up crying like anything or be raged like a mad person. I realized that I was losing the balance and I needed help.
With all of this, though my husband did understand me, but my mother in law would not. She was another character in my life who had a very bitter tongue and would always say some nasty things to me and that would make me again furious.

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I was in a emotional turmoil all the time. I had no control over my behavior. On one side I did realize that I had a problem but then I still had no control over it. I decided to take help. My neighbor was into healing work and she suggested I should get some healing done and also start with Meditation and Yoga. So that's where my whole journey into the space began. I joined a Meditation group at Brahma Kumari and started doing it everyday. I started feeling peace as time went by.
Then I met a lady who was into sound healing, she suggested that my whole life experience has been around sound so it would be good for me to do some sound healing. I could relate to her advise and I started with her healing sessions. I did feel a lot of difference.

I could notice the change in me over a period of almost 5 years, yes it was long. Eventually I saw that when my mother in law if she would be nasty with me, I would just not respond, not that I would suppress it, but I did not find it necessary. I would be in my space as much as possible. Keep myself occupied with things that would uplift my energy. Do my regular Yoga and Meditation.
That did not mean that I had become a saint. I saw myself slipping once in a while and I still do, but I try to be mindful and realize that this is coming from my past which means nothing to me now. Both my father and mom in law have gone and that what remains is just a memory and me and my future.
When I see myself slipping I withdraw, I get into my space and get into quiet moments in reflection of my own behavior.

Today I am a much calmer person and in control of myself. It has been a long healing journey and not a easy one. My sister also had to go on her own healing journey. I still do have intolerance towards any kind of violence, Specially when I see people going through domestic violence I encourage them to not tolerate, either they need to change things or move out, but not be quiet.

It is sad that many parents do not realize when they portray such behavior that how it is impacting the child's life. As a child I have suffered a lot, sometimes when I think about it, I feel where did I get all that strength from to go through so much and still be sane.
And since as a child I have been through so much, my whole life vision has been working for children in whatever way I can and that also brings my goal of having a Children center in future to support such children who are deprived of living their childhood in the right manner that it has to be.

I feel very emotional while writing this post, It brings back some memories of past. I do love my father a lot and remember him with some fond memories that we had, that has also helped me a lot in healing. He comes in my dreams on and off and gives me a lot of love in his dreams. Probably at his level where he is now, he realizes and must be reaching out to me.

If you have a story to share do visit the post and participate. It would be nice to lift off some burden from the heart.
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