I tried really hard to look after myself of late, but last year was so emotionally draining and taxing on me. So with all my good intentions, I did not treat myself well. My sleep has been really poor and I would only go to bed when I was utterly exhausted, as I did not want to find myself lying in bed, going over what these last couple of years have brought to me. Everyday I would just wake up, feeling utterly exhausted.

There is only so much of this, that a body can take. I know that If I hadn't have been taking an amazing blend of adaptogen mushrooms daily, I would have gotten very unwell. My body needed a lot of extra support and that blend of Shiitake, Maitake, turkey tail and Reishi really carried me for most of last year. I have always had a lot of faith in natures ability to heal and mushrooms are so healing and really did help me to deal with all the extra stress in my life.

But even with their assistance, I knew that I could not continue on as I had been.

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I made a commitment, last year that I would be gentle with myself and the decisions that I made. I just accepted that my sleep would suffer for a while, not wanting to stress myself out about trying to change it. It just was how it was and I knew that when the right time came along I would address my sleeping pattern and my lack of self-care.

I was giving myself time to process what was happening, preferring though to do it during the day and not let it happen at night. I considered myself lucky if I managed 6 hours of sleep a night. Anything else was a luxury and happen very rarely.

It didn't help that I would stay up late watching documentaries or series, anything to distract myself and let my body sink deeper into an exhausted state. Staring at a screen does not help last thing at night, i already knew this, but again I made a commitment to myself that I would remain gentle and not get stress about how I chose to deal with my grief and anger.

Writing really helped me to process, but grief does hang onto you and likes to rear it's head when we let our guard down. I am all for expressing my grief with my children, I do not believe in shielding them from what is natural in life. For me it is more important that they see me dealing with, feeling it and crying it out.My journey through it has helped them deal with theirs. I have had to be strong and present for them through it all as well.

So my goals for this year include, improving my sleep pattern. To begin with, I will spend less time staring at a screen and allow myself to reconnect with my natural clock once again. I want to wake up feeling rejuvenated, and not have to force myself out of bed, dragging myself into the new day. Once I am up and put my feet on the earth I do start to feel better. But it has been tough on my over all well being, burning my candle at both ends for so long.

I will start to prepare and eat my last meal earlier , getting back into a more natural rhythm with my diet. I also plan to start juicing a lot more, beetroot juices have been calling to me for a while now and I really need to answer that call and make them more regularly. My body does know what it needs.

I will also be starting to wean my daughter off the breast. I have always resisted this, as I like them to make that decision for themselves. But after 11 years of either being pregnant or breastfeeding I think it is time for me to take my body back for myself. It has done a wonderful job providing for my girls. My 2 year old is quite resistant, but my body has been sending me signs that I need to wean her off. She will be 3 in April and by then I wish to have stopped completely.

I will also be more proactive in making more time for myself, Asking friends to step in so that i have an hour here and there to go for a walk, have a long bath or go sing with my friends. The things that really nourish my soul. I spend most of my time out doors in nature, but to have total peace and quiet in it is not something I get to experience a lot. So that is a huge prior for me too this year.