You know what's challenging? Trying to tame the past over time? What do I mean, specifically? Well, that phase where you're in a relationship and you still continue to love that person but for multiple reasons, it's hard for both of us to have time for each other... It sounds strange, but believe me it's very real... And no, it's not about being mean or that we don't want to be there for each other anymore, no; it's more about trying to have the same amount of free time... In a country of needs, it is sometimes difficult to have synchronised schedules and that blessed element: time. May it be in our favour and give us more satisfaction than other things?
Here's how my most recent date with the man I love has become just another anecdote, but also a lesson... Since my late 30's, things seem to have changed in my life. The pace of everything is simply too fast, but also predictable... I take the baby to school, I rush to catch the series of buses I need to get to the office; I'm on site from Monday to Saturday, from morning to afternoon, hopefully I get home, making dinner and talking to my daughter about how she did at school or in dance; and there he is, my boyfriend. To tell me with his infinite patience that everything will be fine.
He is a man who would rather gouge his own eyes out than bother others. He is always there for me, to help me; to eliminate with his reality-based arguments my tendency to feel extremely guilty because I have time for almost nothing. The very definition of a pillar, a shoulder to lean on? I could not continue with such a boring dynamic. Although, as I have already mentioned, he is a beautiful treasure, it is no less true that I need him. And I wanted to show him that he is in my thoughts and on my mind all the time (there's that word ‘time’ again).
However, I took the initiative and invited him on a date; just him and me. I needed him. This time I didn't want him to hear my moaning and groaning, I wanted to take care of him and pamper him. He has had some really hard days... He has gone through a disease that is very annoying, dengue fever, and he basically had to do it alone. His parents are dead, and he's a man... .... Unfortunately, we know how they act.... It's something I've been trying to get him to get better myself, but I also understand that it's going to take a lot for him to be able to let go and open up about needing someone. I felt bad that I couldn't be there for him, but as I've also mentioned countless times, when you grow up and have responsibilities, life can become too mediocre, believe me when I tell you....
It is very easy for me to understand the pressure with which I remember my parents going through the same situations that now divide my soul.... If I attend to my daughter's needs, I most likely don't have the time or the head to be with him and by his side. He knows everything about me, and I love that he understands, without demands or emotional blackmail (so he calls it himself) what I need. But going out on a date again, honestly, I needed to put a smile on this man's face.... I'll be honest, I wanted to seduce him, to let him know that even though I can live without him, I'd hate to do it and the mere thought of it makes me crumble. That's why he was the absolute protagonist, even though you hate photographs and as soon as I feel happy, he photographed me... These are the things of dating when quality time together is scarce; even if it seems like a lot, three pizzas of different flavours, it's not enough... Time is a bitch, but I'm lucky to have him, and I love having the excuse to write about it...
A short date, at the end of a Monday night, without too many frills or planning but with the firm intention of reminding myself, but mainly him, my partner, that despite the odds he is still what I love and need. Without the conventional strings attached or mortifying myself in bitter days about what we ‘should’ be doing, no. Just a few hours, our stomachs and our lives. Just a few hours, our hungry stomachs, desire to be with each other, and personally, me with the desire to make my pillar, my companion, my faithful man and friend happy. What are a few pizzas, while you have the best definition of time by your side? Love, dear friends, love....
