I've never been an anime person. Ever. I used to roll my eyes when people talked about anime with such intense passion. I'd say things like,
There's nothing -absolutely nothing- that will ever make me sit through an anime, let alone enjoy one
And yet.... here I am.
Shaking. Crying. Typing this through the emotional rubble of my heart because my immediate younger sister decided to "test something" and gave me the full seasons of Attack on Titan to try out.
Test passed.
I'm traumatised 😭
I didn't just cry. I sobbed. And the first thing I did was rush to her DM to share my pain -to scream, to weep, to ask WHY, EREN?. Do you know what she said
please take this to someone else's DM
So I have. Here I am on Hive because I can't carry this alone.
I Didn't Know a Fictional Boy From an Anime Could Haunt Me Like This
Eren Yeager. That name doesn't even feel fictional to me anymore. He was a boy with a dream, born into a world that chewed him up and spat him out, over and over again. He wanted freedom. He wanted to live without walls, without fear, without being treated like livestock in someone else's cage
Eren's journey isn't a hero's journey. It's a tragedy wearing the skin of a revolution. I watched him grow from this passionate, reckless kid into a man willing to become the very monster he swore to destroy -just so his friends could live. Just so they wouldn't have to bear the burden of genocide. And what destroys me most is.... he didn't snap. He chose it. Every step of the way. He walked through the darkness, knowing it would destroy him, knowing it would eat him alive, knowing they'd hate him, and stil.... he kept going
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And when the world was at his mercy -when he had the power of a god in his hands- he remembered his friends. He loved them
That's what makes it worse. He wanted to destroy the world to protect them. But in the end, they were the ones who had to kill him to save the world
I don't think I'll ever recover from that
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The Rumbling: When Hope Turns to Horror
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I can't even begin to describe how my stomach dropped during the rumbling. The music, the imagery, the sheer scale of death. It wasn't just destruction -it was dehumanisation, and it was intentional
The show didn't glorify it. It showed it for what it was: the murder of milions. And yet, I sat there, hoping it would end but also somehow understanding why it was happening. That tension -the moral hellfire of it all- is what sets Attack on Titan apart
I kept thinking
Eren, this isn't you. This isn't the boy who loved Mikasa, who protected Armin.
He bore the hatred of the entire world to end the cycle of revenge. He let the world unite against him so it could finally stand together after he was gone
Mikasa, My Girl
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The final blow. The one that ended it all -came from the person who loved him most. And I broke. Mikasa, with her scarf and her silence and her loyalty -she killed the boy she couldn't stop loving. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine holding the one you love, knowing they orchestrated their own death through you, so you could finally be free?
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And that final kiss....? That grave....?
I was gone. I was emotionally evacuated
She didn't just lose him. She had to kill him knowing he still loved her. That he always did. That he was waiting for her to set him free.
And she did
Levi Ackerman
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Levi is cool. There, I said it. The coolest. The sharpest. The strongest. The quiet badass with a voice like gravel and eyes that see through everything
But cool doesn't even begin to describe the pain he went through
He lost his entire squad. Again. And again. And again. And then Hange....
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Hange, the one person who still joked with him, who called him a name instead of a title. Watching her light herself up to buy time for the others and Levi knowing he couldn't stop her -that moment broke me. You could see it in his eyes. That pain. That weariness
And still, he kept going. For her. For them. For everything he couldn't save. Levi never stopped
Armin Arlert
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Armin. Sweet, brilliant Armin.
He was never the strongest fighter. But his mind, his words, his compassion -they saved more life
He held everyone together. Even when he didn't have the answers. Even when he was just as broken. He stood there, offering understanding, offering peace because someone had to
He mourned Eren. And still, he forgave him. Because that's who Armin is. The boy who believed in ocean, in freedom, in a better world. He was the light in the darkness and I'll always love him for that
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Reiner Braun
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Now Reiner.... I admired him. Reiner's story was heavy in a different way. He wasn't just a soldier -he was a boy pretending to be strong, cracking under the weight of everything he was forced to do
He lived every day with survivor's guilt, knowing he was the cause of Eren's mother death, knowing he was the traitor among friends who trusted him. And yet -he endured. He suffered but he stayed. Even when he wanted to die, he got up again.
I saw him. I saw how the war made him a hollowed-out shell of a human being but he still fought to give the next generation a chance. I can't hate him. I really can't.
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Sasha, my sweet angel
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Sasha's death was one of the most unnecessary gut punches in the entire show. She was the light. The food-obsessed, rifle-wielding sharpshooter who brought laughter and loyalty and heart
And then -Gabi happened
The way she died. The moment it happened. The silence. The shock. The grief. It was sad, not because she was the most important plot character but because of who she was. She was the one who made us laugh in a show that gave us nothing but trauma
And they took her from us
Let's Talk About Zeke. No, Let's Drag Him
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I HATE ZEKE. That's it. That's the paragraph
Okay, no -let me explain before I pop a blood vessel. From the moment Zeke Yeager showed up with that cold logic and twisted ideals, I knew he was going to be a problem. Not just because of what he did to Levi's squad and how he caused Erwin's death, but because of the way he genuinely believed euthanizing an entire race was the noble thing to do
Like, HOW?! How do you love books and logic and come up with that conclusion?
He didn't want to end the suffering -he wanted to erase all potential for life because he couldn't bear the weight of history. And I get that he was also a victim of Grisha Yeager, of Marley, of the brainwashing -but it doesn't erase the fact that his solution was monstrous
And then that whole "Paths" dialogue? All that detached, smug talk with Eren before he finally saw the truth and just.... evaporated into ash like a side character? No redemption arc. Just a meh ending for a man who caused SO MUCH
That post-credit scene. That damn tree. That moment where we come full circle and realise.... it never ends.
War. Hatred. Peace. Revenge. It's all a circle. Eren tried to break it but even his sacrifice might not have been enough. And that tree -so eerily familiar- stands as a reminder: freedom is never permanent
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Eren could have done things differently. And here's the thing that won't leave me alone.
Did it all have to happen this way? Could Eren have done things differently?
Even after the deaths. After all the pain. After Mikasa put that blade through him and kissed him goodbye -the world didn't change much. The hate remained. The violence continued
So what was it all for?
I wanted to believe in his sacrifice. I wanted it to mean something. But what if it didn't? What if he became a monster, lost everyone and died alone for.... nothing?
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Final Thoughts
Attack on Titan has changed me. It shattered every preconception about anime, about storytelling, about what it means to love something so much you're willing to become its villian to protect it
I didn't expect to cry. I didn't expect to grieve. But here I am. Still thinking about a boy with wild eyes and messy hair who just wanted to be free.
I'm scared to watch another anime. Scared that I'll ruin the love I already have for Attack on Titan. That nothing else will measure up. That I'll chase that same emotional high in another anime and only find disappointment
This one changed me. And I don't know if I can survive being changed again
To anyone who haven't watched it: you have to.
Thanks for reading 📚 ♥️