Being able to have someone treat you, where you do not need to hold back to be considerate (as one should be when someone else is treating them to a meal or something) is another level of blessing one can experience in life if they have any!
I have always been the mature one, even as a kid (as my mother says) and since I remember, have always been the mature and considerate one in the flock. Being a reliable one, even though I did not wish to, but perhaps the vibe I give off, evidently made me the reliable one in almost every relationship, be it family, friends, colleagues...everywhere. Which is why, desire to be indulged, spoiled has been lingering in my heart, often imagining how that would feel for a rather long time of my life.
What happened eventually is that, for not being on the receiving end, I never learned how to JUST RECEIVE without worrying about returning the favour or love as soon as I receive it from someone. Whenever someone goes their way out to treat me or indulge me with unexpected love or care, I always think of a way to pay them back.
I wondered, why do I think in that pattern...
Is it because I do not possess enough self-love, to think that I am not loveable enough to be unconditionally indulged without being expected to return the love or care I receive?
No, not at all.
I have learned through the reading-habit of mine, how to channel the negativity and how to love myself, prioritize myself.
I know I am not someone who thinks I am not worthy of love without any condition but nobody actually made me feel that way is the reason I end up thinking of returning the love equally.
However, I cannot deny that for going on in life for so long without experiencing such indulgence, I did doubt once in a every other while, that maybe...maybe I am not that much lovable as I believe I am!
But when this individual shows up in life, providing that unaware comfort that I was not familiar with. He made me feel like whatever you want, as long as it is within my reach, it is yours. My happiness lies rather in small things.
First time when I ordered my favourite foods, expensive ones, which I wanted to eat for a long time but could not afford, as much as I want, without being considerate or holding back...it was...how do I say, I found a new form of love and happiness in me that I never knew existed!
I cherished every bit of that moment, that feeling, that indulgence, without being conscious of the other person.
As time passed on, I overcame the barrier of the urge to "return" the love and care, "calculate" how much I have received and how much I need to do "in return", without slightest bit of consciousness...it came to me so effortlessly, comfortably, tenderly.
The pre-existing inertia and awkwardness of receiving unconditionally was gradually wiped away even before I realized it was long gone!
Once again, today I reminded of this after years...
I wish I could let him know how much his existence soothes my soul, how calming I feel when I think there is someone I can always turn into in my worst moments who is not even a family, how much courage he provides me to feel that it is okay if I want to give up.
But then, I am certain, he knows and even if he is not aware of this, it is alright too.
I wonder if I am able to be someone who soothes his soul too, at least even a little.
And even if I am not, I hope he has someone else in his life, who can make him feel the way his existence makes me feel.
All the contents are mine until mentioned otherwise.