Jayden feels concerned. He foresees nothing good from this. Mom hasn’t been herself for a while now. “When last did she smile…I can’t remember?”
Jayden, the firstborn is 7 years old and last born James is 5. They are a happy little family who enjoys spending time with each other and planning outdoor activities like camping and 4x4 events for weekends and holidays. Oh those Kodak moments around a camp fire…under a galaxy of stars far away from the hustle and bustle of city noises…it would never be forgotten!
The 4x4 trails are a bit too much for James. He is not too fond of it. The steep slopes turn his stomach into a thousand knots, not to mention the side slopes, mud driving and wading. Often times he gets out of the car and observes these trails from a distance.
Jayden on the other hand enjoys the thrill of the events, all of it. And when he gets the time, he takes pictures of all these turns and drives. He’d been dad’s navigator on the last event and they’ve won the competition! Dad was so proud.
Mom will go with James and they will walk around, take pictures and accompany other scared family members by feet to the next obstacle. They would also post these events on Social Media and advertise the events to more adventurous souls out there.
Camping on the other hand they all enjoy and participate in. This is where they swim together, dream together – sunburn together!
“Boys, let’s sit outside,”* mom says. After everyone sat down, mom started. “Your dad and I are getting a divorce. We have tried to work things out but sometimes you can’t regardless of how hard you try. Remember when your watch fell into the pool James? We have tried everything but nothing worked. Well this is almost like that,” she explains.
The boys were confused. “What does divorce mean mommy?” James wanted to know. Angry and frustrated, Jayden lashed out, “Oh come on James, you can’t be serious?! It means they are splitting up, separating. They don’t love each other anymore!”
“Jayden, that’s enough!” Mom is upset and emotional to the reaction of Jayden. She can see how hard this is for Jayden and it’s too much to bear. “I’m so sorry Jayden; this is not your fault.”
So three months have passed since that dreadful day we were told about the divorce. Dad was just as vague as mom but both insisted it is for the best. Mom moved out and we had to leave with her as sole custody was given to her. We see dad every second weekend and holidays. Nothing is the same anymore. James doesn’t say much, he takes it as it comes but to me this is awful. I don’t understand how things can go from perfectly fine to this? I miss dad so much… I know there are a lot of families going through this but I can’t help feeling angry. Sometimes the anger turns into sadness, fear, confusion, guilt. We are seeing a psychologist every week to help us adapt and understand.
Three months have turned into a year and a year into 7 years later. Mom got married again and dad also remarried. Both are happy and content. James and I have made peace with the way things are now, we see dad often and we still go on our adventures once a month. In the beginning it was difficult to have to share mom and dad with their new spouses but even that became easier.
Jayden, now 14, enjoys high school and his independence. He is waiting for his mom to fetch him from school. They have a date at the coffee shop around the corner. He’s got something on his mind for a while now and today he will share it with his mom. “I hope all goes according to plan,” Jayden’s thoughts are running wild and the anticipation is building up.
“There she is! See you tomorrow Robert,” Without waiting for a response from Robert (his best friend), he ran off to the car.
After catching up and a bit of small talk, waiting for their coffees, Jayden can wait no longer.
“Mom, there is something I need to discuss with you. I would really like it if I can go stay with my dad. You’ve said when I’m 14 I can decide, well I am 14 now.”
This is not what Jayden’s mom was expecting…she is flabbergasted. “But Jay don’t you like it at home? Is there something wrong? I thought you have accepted things the way they are now?”
“It’s not that mom, I have accepted things but I miss my dad and I want to spend more time with him.”*
“I don’t like this Jayden…and what about your brother, he needs you. You can visit your dad, you don’t have to stay there.”* Mom is upset and unreasonable. Her feelings are hurt. “How can you ask me this after everything I have done for you? Am I not good enough anymore? What can your dad give you that I can’t?”
Jayden wasn’t expecting this reaction. He sees the tears in his mother’s eyes. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her.
“Forget about it mom, it was just a thought.”
It wasn’t just a thought but he can’t stand seeing his mom this way so he would rather suppress his own needs and feelings than be the cause of someone else’s pain. Or that’s what he thought! But eventually all these bottled up feelings were catching up with him. He started feeling very depressed. At first it was just a loss of energy but now he doesn’t enjoy anything anymore. Nothing interests him, not even a weekend with dad. It’s fun and all but he knows after a weekend comes the goodbyes and he doesn’t want to say goodbye!
Dark thoughts and feelings consume him and all he can think about is death and the freedom it would bring. NO, of course no one knows! Mom would freak out and James….he is a little tattle tale so rather not discuss anything with him!
Tuesday was raining, traffic was hectic. It was a cold and miserable day. Jayden’s mom received a call from the school. Jayden has missed rugby practice. She tries to get hold of him on his cell phone but to no avail. She calls the house but also no reply. At first she didn’t think anything off it. Jayden is a responsible boy, if he missed practice, there will be a very good reason for it. She left a message on his phone to call her back. But then an hour later, the police called and summoned her home immediately.
Nothing could ever have prepared her for what she was about to hear.
“I’m sorry Mrs Jones, is there anyone I could call?” It was the voice of the police officer and also the last voice she heard before everything turned dark.
She woke up in a hospital bed, with her ex-husband standing beside her. She remembers… was it all just a nightmare? From the look on his face she knows it’s all very real….their son, little sweet Jayden took his own life…they’ve found him in his room, with a single gunshot to his head.
A week has passed since the funeral, everyone still in a daze to what happened. James knows what is happening today. He, mom and dad will be reading Jayden’s letter he’d left behind. They’ve found it next to him on that dreadful day. We were all too shattered to read it earlier. Dad is here already, we are all very quiet trying to fight and control our emotions. Mom opens the letter and with an unsteady voice she starts reading:
Dear Mom, Dad & James
I’m so sorry for doing this to you, I know it seems cowardly but I can’t bear to see
the hurt in your eyes anymore, nor can I continue to fight my demons.
It is so difficult to express my feelings into words. No one knows what’s in my head
and nobody will ever. Amazing to blow yourself away and never have to deal with it again –
all in just a second…over for good.
I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. I want everyone to be happy again
like we used to be. I love you both so much and I can’t choose - don’t want to
take sides or seeing one hurt because I want to stay with the other parent.
Why can’t I Love you both?
I’ve tried to express my feelings but I’ve failed miserably….And I’m tired,
tired of feeling so empty and sad. I know you must have had your
reasons for splitting up but please understand that I also have my reasons
for ending it this way.
Please look after James and listen to his words, his heart but more so,
his silence…
I love you so much and I regret your tears and hurt.
Forgive me,
Jayden
Mom was wailing, dad and James were clinging to each other weeping while thinking of all the unsaid words, the danger signs missed, the ‘what-if’s’ and the gnawing pain which is getting unbearable to carry.
Will the pain ever go away? Will the sun ever shine again??
It does get better in time but there are still those rainy days and memories and parents having to live with a guilty conscience. A wise man once said you never get over the loss of a child – you just learn to live with it. Jayden’s parents have lost their firstborn but this has also taught them a very expensive lesson. Their cry to other parents:
POINT TO PONDER:
These days most people accept divorce as a way of life, completely unaware of the damage they are doing to their children. Tell your friends, acquaintances and co-workers to read these shocking statistics about divorce and children. It may help them to reconsider divorce.
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