Imagine this image. Children's birthday. The hostess brings a dessert, two types of ice cream to choose from: with cookie pieces and fruit ice cream. A little guest, a cute seven-year-old girl, suddenly starts screaming. Reason: wants chocolate chip ice cream. Which it is not. The rest of the guests, both children and adults, are perplexed. The hysteria is gathering momentum. The girl screams, kicks and fights, demanding chocolate chip ice cream at all costs. Everyone expects mom's reaction. She is confused. You try to calm your daughter, persuade her to try the ice cream that is. In vain. In the end, Mom herself rushes to scoop up the hapless ice cream with a cookie in her mouth, and her son continues to roar heartbreakingly. The festive atmosphere is spoiled.
Have you ever seen something like this? For me it's fine! And I even had to participate in such situations, trying to appeal to the mind of my mischievous baby. And also without much success.
1. Don't try to be friends with children.
"We are a generation of giving parents who are being pressured by our own children," Berman writes. In his opinion, children in the person of a parent need first of all a "generous dictator" - a leader, authority, an emotionally stable person who can understand, support and direct in the right direction. And if necessary, say a firm "no."
2. "No" means "no"
"The child has the right to all feelings, but not just any behavior," insists Berman. Therefore, clear boundaries and discipline are the foundation of good parenting. But it's best to refrain from carrot-and-stick politics. Fear, shame, and constant criticism, as well as attempts to "appease" and bribe a child, also destroy personality. "Your task is to teach and inspire, not to shame and punish," writes the psychologist. But at the same time, the child must believe his "no", which does not mean "maybe", but "haggling is useless".
3. Let the children have their own experience
Tripping, falling, breaking knees, fighting with other children, making mistakes, failing tests, and dealing with frustration on your own. So that in the future they can take responsibility for their lives. On the playground, I often meet mothers who do not get out of the sandbox for even a minute, actively interfering with the activities of two-year-olds.
5. Grow yourself
Nothing hits the psyche of children like the emotional immaturity of parents. "Become the father you've dreamed of all your life, first for yourself and then for your children," advises Berman. It is difficult, especially if in childhood we do not receive something and all our lives we unconsciously try to compensate for it. Our own neuroses and projections often make it difficult to feel the child's soul, its true wants and needs. But you can work with this, first of all, by knowing yourself.
6. Filter voice
In the first six years of life, babies struggle to distinguish fact from fiction. Therefore, everything that parents say sinks deep into their souls. “If you call your son disobedient, selfish, lazy, he will most likely believe you. These words will be embedded in your personality before you can wonder if this is true or false”. In the same way, children should be taught as soon as possible to express their feelings without accusing or insulting anyone.
Investigation:
https://www.verywellfamily.com/whos-the-boss-how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-for-kids-3956403
https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-boundaries-empathy/