Designed in Canva in Tribute to a great friend, sorely missed. RIP Matt (all pictures are my own property).
Today, Seven years ago I lost a dearly loved friend, and although this loss becomes much less as time passes for the majority of the time, on this day each year, I and a few of his other close friends gather to raise a glass in his memory, try to celebrate his life, but also to support each other on the one day when time's effects seem lacking in their power to forget.
My biggest problem is I have the type of mind that needs to try and work everything out... even when there is no sense to the things that happen in life. So bare with me as this freewrite goes on a bit of a dark slant.
Today I woke from sleep around 7.30 am as always, head heavy like lead, fog fluffing up my ears like smog descended from the dawn's grey skies to usher in this day that repeats yearly. Leaving me more aware each year that time doesn't heal, it only aids forgetfulness.
The morning follows with a windy corpse sky, follows rain-battered pavements, follows my feet walking as I step off the curb into the grey expanse of road, eyes focused forward to block out the memories. 'Must buy milk for the coffee.'
Life is breath, as death ushers in nothing, following everything... perhaps.
When you look in the mirror you aren’t looking at a reflection, but rather your mind's interpretation of self.
Have you ever stared at your reflection and thought I'm just a machine?
Or looked at yourself in a different light, or at different times, not recognizing what you see?
This is the mind distancing itself from reality.
This is the mind trying to overrule the real world and impress the internal onto the physical. Sometimes, the mind tells you stories that destroy the external.
Time brings a measure of comfort to us all; an illusion of achievement, and a will to complete what we start. Without the creation of time, humans would still be floundering in instinct, remembering nothing.
Time gives us the context to frame pictures to experience what we call memory. It gives us a mechanism to measure from beginning to end, birth to death, oblivion to oblivion. Without it we would experience life from blackness to a sudden ever-changing painting, splashes of colour emerging, mixing and weaving in a tapestry of emotion.
Without the concept of time, we would learn differently. Without the concept of time, our lives would be simpler - an ever-changing moment, a dichotomy but a beautiful dichotomy.
A brief reflection of the workings of infinity, until once again, blackness... and rest. At least this is the nihilist's view of the interaction between life and death. Perhaps humankind without the concept of time would just be complete chaos, and perhaps that too would be beautiful in its own unique way.
Image modified using deepdream generator from original picture by Mandi Bel from Pixabay
When you sneeze, you lose yourself for a split second, with no thoughts or memories.
Just for one second the internal dialogue stops and you are nothing. The French call this la petite mort - the little death.
What if though - just as a thought experiment - there is a conservation of life, just as there is conservation of energy as first proposed and tested by Émilie du Châtelet.
What if my friend Matt's soul/energy/spirit/essence, whatever you want to call it, has simply evolved within the closed system of this universe?
Even in the many universe theory and within the confines (or lack thereof of an infinite cosmos) could each universe not be considered one closed system among many?
In this theory, we could all be a mingled mish-mash of soul/energy/spirit/essence, a kind of cosmic soup that flows from living source to living source, a blink on the cosmic scale of things small parts of us bouncing from Tree to Flea, Beatle to foetal baby growing inside some proud mother. Some forms of Buddhism seem to expose something similar to my mad theory of 'The Conservation of Soul'.
I am not sure if this isn't all just a pretty lie I'm telling myself to make today a little easier to deal with after the loss of my best friend seven years ago. As I said above, it doesn't get easier (on this day) but time does make it much easier the rest of the year.
Thanks for reading my maudlin musings 🙂🌿
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