In the recently concluded Miss Universe Philippines 2021 Interview Challenge, there was one question that all the candidates should answer and it was "How has the pandemic challenged you?"
There were varying answers from being away from their families to losing their dream jobs to closing their businesses. What didn't surprise me though is that a lot of the candidates mentioned mental health.
Hello! It is Patsitivity. Yes, my graphics may be a bit dark than what you're used to seeing, but nonetheless, it's still me. ❤️
If you have read my introductory post or any of my previous blogs before, you'll agree that I'm just oozing with confidence, positivity, and enthusiasm. It always feels like wherever I go, the sun follows me or the other way around. I can't help but inspire the people around me. Even before starting this journey in Hive, I'll find myself composing long posts on Facebook and Instagram and using the Stories feature to express myself and persuade others to take action. I do this in the hope that at least a single person will be moved to do something to make her/his life better in different aspects - holistic health and wellness, financial literacy, personal development and others.
I've been writing nothing but things that makes me happy and others as well, and I've figured that this platform is a safe space to take out one layer of mask and expose a different side of me.
In this series of blogs, I'll be talking about the following in detail with reference to my personal experience:
- How I ended up with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)?
- Seeking Help: What does it feel like?
- Where to get help if you're from Cebu?
- Difference between Anxiety and Depression
- Practical tips that helped me heal slowly but surely
- Practical tips to help you deal with people (friends, family members, workmates, etc.) diagnosed with GAD
- Common Misconceptions about Mental Health
Don't be too sad or surprised that I'm going through one of the darkest tunnels of my life, I'm getting better and that's why I am here because it's time we end the stigma. I want to end the stigma myself. Sharing this and the rest of my stories about my mental state is the least I could do. 😊
What is Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)?
Before I start telling you about my own journey, let me give you an idea of what Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is.
The key difference between the normal worries of everyday life is that people with GAD worry persistently and excessively.
What are the symptoms of GAD?
According to Mayo Clinic, symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) may be a combination of the following symptoms:
- Persistent worrying or anxiety about a number of areas that are out of proportion to the impact of the events
- Overthinking plans and solutions to all possible worst-case outcomes
- Perceiving situations and events as threatening, even when they aren't
- Difficulty handling uncertainty
- Indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong decision
- Inability to set aside or let go of a worry
- Inability to relax, feeling restless, and feeling keyed up or on edge
- Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind "goes blank"
Unfortunately, I had a fair share of experiencing ALL the mentioned symptoms. Moreover, there are physical manifestations of GAD that made the situation worse.
Physical manifestations include:
- Fatigue
- Restlessness
- Increased muscle aches and tension
- Trembling, feeling twitchy
- Nervousness or being easily startled
- Irritability
- Difficulty sleeping
- Palpitations
Out of the physical signs and symptoms, I only experienced trembling, difficulty sleeping, nervousness and terribly bad palpitations.
How I ended up with GAD?
Baseline, I love to think. On a normal day, I'd be thinking of too many things - deliverables at work, meetings in and out of work, advocacies, personal schedules, and personal projects. Over the course of my life, I found overthinking as an asset. I'd be planning things way ahead of time to the smallest details because I don't want to forget things. I always want the get the best result whatever I am doing; I want to make the most out of my days.
If there are two things I really hate that's (1) uncertainty and (2) insanity (as defined by Albert Einstein). I suggest you read my introductory post and my post about Time Management for you to understand how inclined I am to certainty, to order, and to familiarity.
The Start of Chaos
So what really triggered my anxiety to take the better of me? If we'd cut this long story short, the answer to this question is the pandemic.
If I leave you with just that, I'll probably leave you hanging. And you'll be left to your own thoughts trying to figure out what really happened to me. And of course, I don't want that to happen. Hence, in the next section, I'll be narrating one by one the factors that piled up one after the other that led me to develop signs and symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
I lost a friend during the pandemic. One of my closest friends, whom I consider as my sister suddenly cut ties with me and the rest of our circle. At first, we were all just joking about it but little did I know that it was hurting me inside. I wondered if I've done something wrong. I couldn't help but feel bothered that of all people, it was me whom she doesn't feel like talking to when in fact we used to talk all day every day with the most nonsensical stuff in life. But I never told anybody about this, I kept it inside. Losing her company during the pandemic was the start and then it rippled. It rippled. Massively.
I remember a workmate telling me his experience about how difficult it was to manage his partner's traumas from past relationships. I even told him that in my case, although I have awful experiences that aren't even worth remembering, I'm confident that these traumas will not affect my future relationship.
Then, here comes a new guy willing to love me in spite and despite the things I've been through. But the pandemic broke in and my boyfriend and I are forced to spend most of our first year away from each other. He's actually my first boyfriend (although I've dated others guys before him).
I've been through a lot. I've waited for my first love to love me back for ten freaking years. He made me feel that I'm just the other option he'd come home to whenever there's no one else willing to take him in again. The other guy that I loved the most taught me to fly high when in fact he'd never be there to catch me when I fall.
All these experiences taught me to build walls so I wouldn't find myself bleeding at the end of the day. And this was the time things got a little complicated. I've had difficulty communicating with my boyfriend. I remember clearly telling my boyfriend I'm fine when deep inside I am not. I long for attention, the kind I don't have to ask, because past traumas told me, if I deserve it, it will come to me no matter what. Asking for anything feels like begging. And I've been begging for love the years prior to our relationship and the feeling of asking for more disgusted me, it breaks my heart every single time.
Although I have not really laid out a plan for my entire life, I do know what I want, at least, for the next five years. I am convinced that I shouldn't marry and have kids until I finish exploring all the eighty-one (81) Provinces of the Philippines. Traveling is my identity. Aside from providing for my family's needs, I work hard to not miss any scheduled long backpacking since the year I start my personal project of exploring the entire Philippines.
Remember my #Project81PH goal that I keep on mentioning in my write-ups? At the start of 2020, I'm down to the last forty (40) Provinces. At the start of the year, I scheduled a solo trip to Batangas, Mindoro, Marinduque, and other neighboring Provinces. But by March 2020, Philippines started to close borders and lockdowns started to become the next big thing. When it was announced that NCR will be on lockdown, hope couldn't be found anywhere. The announcement of the cancellation of my flight followed and I couldn't stop feeling helpless.
At first, it was fine. We thought this pandemic will only be around for at least a quarter. But when after a quarter we were still locked inside our homes with little hope that things will go back to normal in the next few months, that's when my peace started to be disturbed.
I got plans and I want to stick to my plans no matter what. If this was just a money concern, I could perhaps find a side hustle to pay for my travel. But no, this pandemic is beyond my control.
It dawned on me: I will not be able to travel as freely as I used to be. And the next travel outside of Cebu? Uncertain until further notice.
My love language in expressing and receiving love is physical touch and quality time. This is why despite how hectic my schedule can get, I always make sure to make time for my family, friends, and my boyfriend. Sundays are family days. It's non-negotiable. If I couldn't go home on a particular weekend, I ensure to go home the following weekend. I find it ridiculous to be "working hard for my family" and not give them something very important, my physical presence and my time.
When the pandemic broke in, I had to stay in our company staff house for God knows until when. I'm not comfortable with the idea that I'm just forty (40) kilometers away from home but I couldn't even see Ma and Pa for at least a minute. I couldn't even get a decent video call with them due to intermittent connection in our area. I couldn't personally ensure that they don't run out of food and other essentials (I had to call my cousins and neighbors to do what I should be doing if I was only at home. Work from home set-up wasn't approved by our management). And if anything happens to them, I can't do anything because we're locked up in the big city.
I don't like the feeling of waiting for another two weeks and stand by for the next announcement about the quarantine classification in the hope that cities and towns open up and I can finally go home.
Ma and Pa (including my two sisters) successfully raised me up to be a strong, brave, and independent woman. I lived up to this personality and personal branding I built about myself. When I've been used to being so strong and unafraid of anything, I found it difficult to admit that at some point, things get into my nerves too, especially when it's the welfare and safety of my family. There was a time during the onset of this pandemic when I'm very tired and I'm very scared and I don't see where all of these things are heading to but I felt I couldn't say so because I'm not that kind of person to start with.
Sharing or opening up about how difficult the current situation is for me feels like killing myself. At times, I'd rather kill myself than share what is keeping me from moving forward. When Ma asks me how I'm doing, I couldn't tell her that I'm struggling or that I'm missing home badly because I don't want her to worry.
I couldn't convince myself that it's okay for me to worry, to be sad, and to struggle during this pandemic. I even told myself that I don't want to be a hero, I just want to survive.
From there, one factor piled up over the other, and so on, until one whole week, I found myself unable to sleep until past midnight or worse until 3 or 4 in the morning. Then one unexpected day in August of 2020, I found myself having a panic attack in my makeshift room in our office, sobbing like there's no tomorrow, running out of breath, and dealing with a palpitation that felt like there's an Olympic game going inside my heart, always rumbling, always trembling.
The past year had been a difficult walk in the darkest tunnel, but here I am glowing with hope, joy, and peace. And I am beyond ready to share you more about this journey to tell you that sometimes, just some times, IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. ❤️
At this juncture, we're ending Part 1. Because if I'll continue sharing, it will be too much for me and for you, readers. No worries, I'll make sure to share more about this journey with the mentioned topic sequence/guide earlier.
✨Breathe in. Breathe out. Let's live one day at a time, fellas! Happy weekend ahead! ✨
Living life intentionally every single day, she believes that there’s no limit to one’s potentials. Right now, she’s on the loose for the pursuit of endless holistic self-growth and development. She wants to light the way for others. She believes there’s no better way to leave a legacy than to pay it forward.
Her ultimate goal in life is to reach the state of enlightenment where there’s nothing but peace, love, happiness, and contentment - nothing more, nothing less.
If you are captivated by what this girl just wrote here, an upvote is pretty appreciated. Follow her as she tells her stories full of positivities. The next story might be for you! ❤️