Most people know me to be the “very emotionally collected/organized” lady. Others even think I’m heartless because you’ll barely see me crumbling emotionally even when the situation requires me to. There have been times where bad things happened to me and people got surprised as to how I responded. Of course, it’s only my pillow(Stacy) who sees all the “behind the scenes”.
Truth is, I am not as strong as people think I am, emotionally. I am a full time cry baby and I’m going to blame that on the fact that I am the last child of my parents and the only daughter as well. When I’m around people, I barely show any form of emotions. I have come to realize that people are very quick to use your emotions against you the moment they see your emotional scale.
I try as much as possible to never really express how hurt or sad or angry I am at someone or situation especially when people are around. Even when I’m angry, I’d rather laugh about it than to genuinely express it because my true anger comes with tears. Thankfully, I realized this at a very early age.
As a kid, anytime my brothers did something to annoy me, instead of me showing the normal anger that all other kids showed, I would just cry about it. Cry till my mom makes them apologize. When I grew up, I realized the world wasn’t my mom’s house where I could cry about things or people till they apologize. In fact what are the odds that they would even apologize?
Anyone who knows me know that I laugh a lot but that’s just a defense mechanism to this whole thing called life. No, I’m neither a pessimistic person nor do I see life in a terrible lens. I just have a really soft heart and spot for people which makes it very easy for things to get to me. In this 21st century, you really can’t survive with that hence, that fence I’ve built.
For now, most people around me don’t even know this and might even get shocked finding out this way. Yes, I’ve already accepted I’m not a “thug”. I’m a softie and not a savage. I’ve tried so hard to work on this because it makes no sense to always waste tears on certain things. If I could ignore this, I wouldn’t even think twice but as I said, not everything deserves my tears.
So, I’m just rather focusing on getting better at choosing the kind of things that deserve my tears.
Image is mine