Life happens to us at times that we feel we wont ever scale through that phase and that our lives are stuck in there for life until we gradually heal and then realize that change is constant and for every thing that happens to us in life, there's always a healing process whenever we are ready to move on.
I've had some few things I had clung on to so tightly that for some, I was so scared of losing while on the other part I was already preparing to lose one which was my job and that's because it was dealing and affecting my mental health and peace of mind already. So I was readily preparing to let go even before it left me so there is no guilt and there is no regret.
But there is the one person I wish I had clung on the more and maybe life could have still favoured me in letting her be. You know? There is no day passing by without the space of feeling the absence of my mum...
The good morning calls and prayers, the midday checkup calls, the goodnight calls like a new boyfriend and the whole pampering and worrying when a child get sick or even on a travel somewhere....
Like not even talking about the major ones but just these alone, shows how involved she is with our lives as children.
I realized something later on after she was buried like It felt so hard accepting that she was gone totally because initially when she died, we were deprived the space to really react to a great loss. The likes of
- No no pls don't cry. You should not because of your siblings
- You can't breakdown so that those bad people do not use that influence to hurt you
- You have to embrace yourself so that your mum can be happy where she is
And many more so we couldn't cry it out or grieve so all these made it seem like she was still gonna come back soon (indisposed thoughts 😔) until days after days, and still she lies where rain and sun kept hitting her grave without stepping out to be safe from them.
Days of looking out from the window, days of feeling she was around, days of crying so hard when reality hits again especially when what she was supposed to do lies there vacant while we expect someone to show up to do it. It is a really tough experience to lose someone so dear to one's life and though it may have been accepted that she's no more but the emotions still lies there.
AND
There's always this heavy feelings of regret, guilt and resentment I do have against myself for losing her. What if I had given her a close watch and more attention than I have been giving? What if I wasn't far from home because I was trying to work hard and earn money which she later could not eat from like she was supposed to and even lost the job later on anyways? Would she have escaped the death?
I guess they are guilts that stays with me till end of time since there will be no one to give me convincing answers to them and it makes it hard to think of forgiving myself for these guilts I feel.
It's just me pouring out my heart with this article this moment for the prompt by Ladiesofhive.
Thanks for reading through
Images are Mine