There are days when the sheer reality of my daily here and now hits me, and I have to take a large step back. And sometimes I snort with mild hysteria. I'm doing what? Yes. I am caring almost full-time for my ex-husband's child by the next wife, while I'm also a 14 years financially-unsupported solo mama and running a full time business. Because we had an amicable divorce? 🤣 Errr no. 🤣 From sheer necessity. And due to the impact of Covid in the developing world.
I have to chuckle after 20 years living in Asia; whenever someone glibly says, "It takes a village", it's pretty darn obvious they have clearly never lived in an actual village. You see, an Asian village is not built on good vibes or familial feel goods, it it based on sheer economic necessity.
And so it has been in our extended Thai family. My ex-husband and his new Hmong wife weren't making ends meet even before Covid, despite both of them working. Several times we gave them money to start businesses, and each time things didn't go to plan. Poor education and low skill levels mean not much choice in types of work. Your cheap Asian goods over there in the comfortable first world are at the expense of living wages for workers here.
But since Covid, it has been brutal. After several cash bailouts and hearing-seeing how limited employment options are after almost 2 years of no tourism (in a country that has previously had 40 million tourists each year!), I came to the conclusion it would be easier and kinder to employ my ex-husband in my Thai business, so he could earn a fair wage and get social insurance health care coverage for himself and his son. Because he was working 13 hours a day for the equivalent of $15 doing Grab motorcycle deliveries, and then still faced with expensive motorbike repairs and no insurance, and endangering his son perched on the front of a motorbike all day breathing in fumes. His mother works at the Royal Project (fruit & vegetables) from 7.30am to 5pm 6 days a week, for the equivalent of $10/day. Her weekly salary only just covers their motorcycle payment.
And so I offered my ex husband a job, at double the rate he could earn elsewhere. And he refused.
Him: "I don't want to work for you."
Me: "Well I GET that and I'm not crazy about it either, but I need a worker and you need a job with much better pay. And better we just keep it in the family."
Him: "Ok. But I have no childcare and his mother works 6 days a week."
Me: "Ok. Just bring him to work."
And so it started. I employ my ex-husband and he brings his 6 year old son to work with him, every day, all day.
Thailand doesn't have ANY childcare for most people - only state government schools that are quasi daycare and take kids 18 months and up from 7am to 7pm for almost nothing. But the schools have been closed for nearly 7 months now due to Covid, and there are no alternatives short of sending your kids back home to live with Grandma. Only both my ex-husband's parents are deceased and his new mother in Law is a subsistence Hmong farmer who can barely feed herself.
And so little Mister 6 now comes to work every day and hangs with me.
He comes out with me when I'm running errands and paying bills. And he comes with me to the courier, and to airport cargo as I send off consignments of products.
I think of him as my little sidekick. And I try to find fun little jobs for him to do, in between all the other things I have to do and supervise.
Strangely, I rarely give a thought to his parentage or to the heartache that precipitated his father running off with a series of women and ultimately settling with his mother. It really, simply doesn't matter anymore.
Constantly people ask me if he's my son.
Gotta say it's exhausting running my business with a child under my desk all day, despite having raised my own daughter that way. I don't have the authority like I did with my own now-17 year old, and he's been raised with some totally different values. There's a lot of tongue-biting that goes on in my day to day now.
I've created a great toy box at the office and some things he enjoys, but mostly he doesn't know HOW to play alone. Which can be frustrating. Sometimes, from sheer necessity (like at airport cargo where getting run over by a forklift is a real risk) I have to give him a phone game to occupy him for a while.
He can't read yet and because I'm working full time, I'm really not in a position to read to him, nor to teach him much. But we HAVE created fun counting games in 2 languages for when we're out in the car, we name the colours in both Thai and English and we play a mean but modified game of bilingual "i Spy With My Little Eye"
Every 2 or 3 days, I structure my day to work on my laptop from the park for 45 mins or so. Chiang Mai has very few playground type of parks, but we've become devotees of all of them!!
End of the day treat for good behaviour? A yummy frozen coconut milk ice cream.
Today we received a notice from my daughter's school that in accordance with Thai government policy, all schools will remain closed for the remainder of the year. After 1st January, only fully vaccinated children will be able to return. It remains to be seen what the plan is for children under 12. Currently only Grade 3 and up have online classes offered.
Sigh!
As traditional societies break down but don't yet have the tax base to build infrastructure like public childcare, the "village" just HAS to step up. And yes, I AM now part of this extended family weird Thai village thing, where those who 'have' are expected to share no-holds-barred with those who don't. Even if we used to be married and he has never stepped up for me.
Until we address more inclusive, sustainable and comprehensive ways to live and work together, this childcare issue is only going to be compounded globally, as governments struggle with tax deficits and an inability to supply adequate care for children while their parents work. Please note: no unemployment benefits at all in Thailand.
So I'm doing my bit, as I can, despite my western-self occasionally having to pinch me hard and do a serious eye-roll.
Let it be said that I DO enjoy my little sidekick, that I'm learning to work incredibly efficiently to be able to make more time for him, and that it MATTERS that we care for and guide the village children, whomever their parents are.
Tired beyond belief most days, and stretching to be a better version of myself.
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