I listened, intently, to the speeches and the accolades at Miss 17's High School Graduation here in Northern Thailand this weekend past. About how the paid teachers had sacrificed so much for our kids. About the paid cleaners, gate-security guys, the gardeners, the cooks and the administrators at the school who had contributed so much to the experience of our children's education. All true....
I heard even more - ALL of it true, and then some! - about how our KIDS did an incredible job coping with Covid. Heck - my girl had 9 months of this academic year, online, in her PJs, alone. We joked together that she's probably the only School Captain, ever, to have conducted every team meeting, all year, in her PJs. 🤣Make no mistake, these young people from diverse language groups, many without family supports in-country - did a monumentally magnificent job.
But it felt TERRIBLE to be excluded from the physical ceremony.
Covid regulations here for public gatherings indoors meant the ceremony and the formal luncheon that followed were strictly for academic staff and students. No parents allowed, not even into the hotel lobby for the event.
Never thought I'd be grateful for Facebook Watch. 🤣
We adapted as best we could. The week prior, the school RENTED us academic gowns and empty certificate folders so we could create our own photo memories.
After 13 years of ignoring us & refusing even the most basic invitations to join in birthdays etc, my daughter's father (financially devastated by Covid) now WORKS FOR ME 🤣 and his new wife does my accounting, from home, part time. Heck - it was that or have him banging on the door every week for money, in this country which has no social security system or unemployment benefits. My daughter was profoundly stressed by the idea of her father possibly becoming homeless. And so we adapted, offered them both jobs and have been actively building the relationship with her little half-brother, now 7.
What a turbulent couple of weeks it has been!! It feels a bit like starting a marathon, running most of it alone under extreme weather conditions with one broken shoe and a sprained knee, only to have the other participant arrive at the finish line for the congratulatory photos, having hitched a ride with someone instead of actually running.
It's partly because of this, and perhaps because I was physically excluded from the ceremony, that I NOTICED the omissions from the speeches even more.
Honestly, unless you are a solo-mom, you have no idea what I'm talking about. And let me gently define "solo-mom" too. I'm not meaning someone who gets their ex to have the kids every other weekend and receives actual child support. Or even a government supporting parent benefit. That's a single parent.
In my world the title "solo-mama" or "solo-mom" is reserved for those of us without any form of engaged other-parent, and with no financial support.
Can't BEGIN to describe how hard it's been to always be that solo mama in a sea of couples and families at school events and parent teacher days. Not to mention having to juggle driving her to school and picking her up alone, every single day, whilst also running and growing a physical business. Did I mention PAYING for it? Yikes. I need a coffee just thinking about how often I had to choose between lunch money for her or buying coffee for myself... between paying for a new sports uniform and upgrading the bald tires on our old truck.
And so I LISTENED to the speeches, including my daughter's speech as President of the School Council and School Captain.
I clapped when the top 10 Honor Roll students with the highest GPA's received their certificates and the extra golden cord hung around their necks. Yes, my girl was one of them.
It was only really later at home, alone, after all the fuss was over and she'd gone out with friends, that I realized how much it STINGS to be sidelined and not acknowledged.
And it made my think there SHOULD BE a solo-mama Honor Roll!!
And so this post is a cathartic, slightly self-indulgent reflection about what it means to step into yet another huge transition as a woman, as a mother. I feel slightly guilty for having any other feelings than pure pride, although I must concede to having enough pride to be able to bury the other niggles if I wanted to.
The most tender moment of the graduation weekend?
A somber Miss 17 apologized to me, over coffee on Sunday morning, for forgetting to mention me in her speech. And that helped so much! We've had so many tearful hugs and special moments as we've grappled with her father turning up at all, but that one will stay with me always. Cos she gets it.
I'm RESOLVED to consciously support and verbally appreciate the solo-mammas in my orbit.... to call them out for their incredible commitment, tenacity and the sacrifices no one sees. To CELEBRATE strong women everywhere who give their all for their kids, not only without the other parent but often despite them.
Beyond proud. Breathless at the finish line. And a little tired.
Wondering what comes next.... and contemplating the next challenging months of scholarship applications and university entrance exams as my girl steps into her next phase as a Physiotherapy student in The Netherlands.
Grateful always for the best mom-journey ever - even with the rough spots, I wouldn't change a thing.
My girl had the best last word though, when she whispered to me quietly during the fake-photo session, "Thanks for raising me alone - he would have been a terrible father."
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