This last month was terrifying. I basically had a complete and utter mental breakdown. The timing could not have been worse considering that the children were all busy with midyear exams and assessments and really needed me, and 
Unfortunately, these things can't be timed, although I think I am partly responsible for putting myself in this position. I pushed myself so hard with baking I barely slept which hurt my back terribly. I have been trying so hard to get my baking business off the ground, but it is extremely difficult since the area I live in is completely saturated with home bakers. You really need to stand out. I put so much effort into my mother's red velvet cake and Zak's caramel cake, and although they turned out to be really beautiful, it also turned out to be too much for me in one week. I am not sure how I can even run a baking business if I can only handle one cake per week.
@Jasperdick and I also had two gigs, very close together... and I had to bail on the 2nd one since I cried my way through the first one. It appeared that I desperately needed rest.
I eventually became bedridden for weeks. Due to intense pain and psychological damage - reliving all the trauma I have experienced in my life. The only time I felt safe was when I was able to lie down with Zak ad placed my head o his shoulder,, holding him so tightly, hoping he would stay with me... and he did.
This must have been absolutely exhausting for Zak as he is extremely empathetic and takes on so much emotional baggage. People in the past have taken advantage and even abused his natural commitment to honour, kindness and shouldering everyone's crap.
On top of it, we all got sick. The whole family. For me, it presented as a horrific tummy bug that lasted almost 3 weeks. At least I lost a shit load of weight...
yesterday morning was the 1st time I could stomach actual food so I made myself a bowl of cinnamon oats with full cream milk and a bit of butter. Just like my gran used to make.
But everything combined just made me feel completely useless and like such a burden. I even called the South African Mental Health emergency number, hoping to receive help, but I just got advise to go to my gp ad get referred to a psychiatrist. In my case though, I am unemployed so I have to rely on government health care, which is not great ad the waiting times are terrible.
It is clear now, that I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Chronic Anxiety. Of course this is only exacerbated by my physical disability.
I took myself off the Pregabalin to try to safe money and the consequences were severe. I moved from having suicidal ideation to actually planning my own suicide. Once again the only thins stopping me are my children and Zak. No one deserves to find me dead. So what should I have done? Gone the old fashioned way of putting rocks in my pockets and just walking into the ocean? I didn't want to die. But I couldn't see another solution. The loss of my sister utterly broke me.
Also, my mother arriving from the UK has been... terrifying as she has just declined terribly and become so thin and frail. We are looking at assisted living facilities now. I didn't realize how hard that would hit me. But now that my sister has abandoned us, I know that I will be dealing with this all on my own.
After going back onto the pregabalin, I immediately felt better ad was eve able to cook supper last night. I will probably cook tonight as well. I forgot how much I enjoy the love language of feeding my family.
I am also ecstatic that somehow I have climbed my way back into the Minnow Category after almost completely draining my account with power downs for much needed cash.
For now, I am cutting things out of my life that trigger me. I can't go through that again. So I've blocked people on my phone and social media and done my best to bury my CPTSD until I can get help.
I became so bad at looking after myself, especially when I was sick, that Zak had to force me to bath.
This week, I cut this giant dreadlock out of my hair since I hadn't been brushing my hair.
I also filed my nails as I didn't realize what terrible condition they were in.
Then I took my son to the doctor for another liquid nitrogen treatment, which is horribly painful. Matthew developed a cluster of warts on his fingers and the 1st treatment was unsuccessful. Luckily, my favourite doctor is back from maternity leave and she was extremely thorough, making sure to kill all the roots. Hopefully, this time he will recover and they will fall off and disappear. Poor child :(
I seem to be doing better. I mean, I couldn't even bring myself to write any posts here. But I am feeling better now.
I have to be careful though and know my limits. I am also going to try to follow through with the government mental health department and see if they can help me with psychiatric counselling and medication. Even if I have to be admitted to a psychiatric ward for a few weeks. But we will see.
I am feeling better now. I an only pray that it will last. I am SO grateful for my husband person who through gentle and tough love, guided me back to the light. I am extremely lucky to have him in my life and love him with all my heart.
Say a little prayer for me 🙏😇💙
