Mommy's Mental Health - Chapter 81- Easter Chaos -When My Entire Being Is Melting With the Chocolate

Oh
MY GOD
so I haven't had the opportunity to post since last week because I am literally drowning in Easter product prep and I'm lost for sales.

I made a video at some ungodly hour this morning that looks like something out of the "Blair Witch Project" when the thread that was holding my sanity my, snapped:

I reached boiling point last night, when You gotta dip and then patiently let the chocolate drip off before placing them on the baking paper. My pot of boiling water that goes underneath the chocolate ran out of water. I don't know when it ran out... it was already after 1am and I'd been dipping since 9pm. I noticed. that my chocolate consistency was getting weird like the chocolate was burning like it would if you just stuck it directly onto the stove but now it was my water pot underneath that is now black at the bottom. I think I lost the plot... and the pot 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Look, I've spent ears in catering and I've done enough birthday parties to have the experience to pull this off, but honestly, I was so under prepared. For three nights in a row I have climbed into bed after 3am,

The topper being Tuesday morning at after 4am... after standing on the same slug on my kitchen floor like 4 times with my socks on 🤢🤢
So there I was at 4am trying to wash slug juice off my feet before I got into bed and trying to not wake anyone up as I scrounged for pajamas in the dark. On Monday night I got into bed with my baking clothes on. I just collapsed. And I kid you not when I got out of bed there was a literal puff of flour after making 300 biscuits. Jesus.

I'm exhausted and worried about money and trying desperately to finish products so I can take photos to drive sales. OMG. The stress has been so hectic. Hive account@zakludick actually had to help me do the most simplelest math after I did all my costings so beautifully over the weekend. I worked everything out ad everything balanced ad then I went into panic mode, or fight or flight or whatever, but with the deadline stress and the sheer amount of work ahead of me, I was incapable of doing any kind of addition or multiplication or division even with a calculator. And I'm not talking about rocket science here. At least not for me. I've had years of experience doing food costing but I just fell to pieces.

Thank fuck I went and got a Neurobion jab (vitamin b complex injection) on Monday which hurt like absolute hell because I tensed up and the vial was cold. But my self care has been terrible. After getting out of bed with the baking clothes I wore the night before and the puff of flower, I had to take quick bath before going to go running around looking for Cadbury's bunny chocolates - (which were sold out everywhere and I ended up paying a fortune for), but I'm dehydrated and I've basically been living on hot cross buns.

Thank fuck Hive account@zakludick has been making dinners as well <3

This morning I finally had a healthy breakfast and looked after myself. I had yoghurt with fresh raspberries (a surprise treat from Hive account@zakludick) and banana. I had to force myself to et though. but it was really tasty once I got going. I've had about 500ml of water ad will keep going...

I even tried to make a more positive video...

I felt a little brighter when I went to go fetch all of my packaging, although they were out of stock of so many of the items I'd ordered, I still ended up with a stunning haul of packaging, which my gorgeous Hive account@aimeludick helped me put together and build.

She also bade my new professional and unique logo for my baking company! Thank you Hive account@aimeludick ! Your hard work is so much appreciated.

Oh god and then there was the god damned flyer. I don't know what possessed me to create it in paint to start with, I guess I was just in a hurry and needed to post something on Sunday night/Monday morning as it was already running late for Easter sales. Of course it was a total disaster and we couldn't fix my alignment fuckup no matter what I tried. Even Hive account@zakludick was at his wits end So, he went to bed and I carried on designing the flyer while baking biscuits. I tried Canva next, but it wasn't giving me what I wanted so that was another 45 minutes down. Eventually I remembered I have GIMP installed ad at 1am, I had a crash course in graphic design. Oh my lord. I finally got it right and it looked 100 times better than the 1st flyer I tried to publish earlier in the evening. Luckily, not too many people saw it because it was so late on a Sunday and I was able to swap it out before the sun came up on Monday.

I don't know if all of this makes me Super Woman or an absolutely delusional crazy lady. I just thought, you know, with my last post about not being able to find work to suit my disability. The writing platform on Urban writers has basically fallen flat, although I did see a slight increase in projects available, I wasn't picked for ay of the ones I applied for. Which is normal... the ratio for me is 30 applications before I get a yes... well at least it was that way when things were still buzzing last year and I wrote one 30 000 word book and one 45 000 word book and received a level up from a newbie to a prominent writer with a bunch of good reviews from my editor and clients. But then the pickings got slimmer, and I failed two upskilling tests, which totally broke my moral.

Anyway. I am full on depressed and highly anxious that I'm not bringing in money. This is not the 50s and we were never designed to be a one income household. I did ot plan for disability... I mean who the fuck does?

So, instead of trying to sleep as much as possible to avoid reality, and when I was awake, fighting off massive panic attacks... so I had the wild idea of making my Claire's crazy Cakes, Bake's and Kitchen Hacks into a real business, like I have been secretly fantasizing about. Especially the cake and cupcake side of things.

But I am limited. With two fucked knees and a pinched sciatic nerve it is agonizing to do the physical work need to bake like this. I have been in so much pain. I have been getting into bed after 3am for three nights in a row now (and I'll probably do it tonight as well) and thank god Hive account@zakludick is like a heat generator so trying my best to align my back with his helped sooth the pain massively. Also the contact with the man I love was so comforting.

So can I do this? Can I sell my products I'm furiously baking?

Please God let this work because I've completely run out of ideas to help my family and I feel like a total failure... like my life is over at 40.

My kids get me through though... when I have those dark thoughts of suicidal ideation.. and so does my music. And So much for Hive account@zakludick ❤️❤️

And to the kids for washing the dishes: thanks so much Hive account@merenludick and Hive account@matthew-williams
God I have an incredible family...

nd then , can you believe it: The Motherload of "Oh my God's," to top everything off, with the massive floods we had last week, there have been massive sewerage overflows all over the suburb we live in eventually it started affecting us with the guest loo downstairs being blocked. But our courtyard and garden were flooding and this morning the front of the house was flooded. The smell was horrific. Of course I didn't notice because I have so much chocolate and cupcake smell up my nose, but this morning it hit me like a total what of ewwwwness..😭😭😭🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤢🤢🤢

At least the plumbers have just come and left and they disinfected everything... after digging up half or garden...

but god knows I need a fucking nap. I have to wait for them to finish before that happens.

Well at least I have some time to catch up on blogging while I wait for my millions of batches of cupcakes and cake bases. I'll have to do the chocolate ones tonight and ice them and present them beautifully in their boxes so I can freaking sell them. Oh lord.

But I'm trying. I'm exhausted but I'm trying.

Please pray for my soul.

God help me. Please😇🙏🙏🙏