my lovely burnt Christmas cookies
I know I'm not alone here. Where the budget just doesn't line up with what you really want to do for your family.
It's been two and a half years since my dad passed, and about that long since I have had any contact with my sister.
I have also stopped inviting Matthew's cousin over for Christmas, which hurt to do. I have been inviting her to celebrate her birthday, special holidays and Christmas despite the divorce for years and years now... but then things got complicated when I had to draw the line between her influence on my children and goodwill. I never thought I would be in that position.
Also, we normally have close friends that join us and act as a buffer so I don't throw Xanax in my mother's tea ( my sister and I actually did that one year 🤣🤦♀️🤣)... God knows I'll need them...
but this year, it just feels like it's all... wrong.
It feels like my table is much smaller than it should be.
We've lost so much, but I should also look on the bright side of what we have, right?
We have our advent calendars up, we have Christmas decorations around the house going up day by day... and on the actual special day of Christmas eve, I will be serving a feast, as usual.
But my holy hell are things expensive. And no I don't know how to cater Christmas for a small group of people. Plus, the idea is to be able to eat so much Christmas food for at least a week after, so that we couldn't possibly want Christmas food for another week. And with my plan for three trifles, as usual, I think we will more than manage that. In fact I know that I can subsist entirely on trifle for at least 3 days. Tried and tested. Trifle is sacred to me. I have a mental condition that doesn't really exist - Fear of running out of trifle or "FOROOT." Whaahaaahahaaha!! Well that sound hilarious when you make an acronym out of it. But that is why I make so many.
So what I DO have to be massively grateful for, is my children and my husband person, 
My mother will also be joining us. Basically, we are the only two left of my nuclear family - what a strange but apt term to describe my immediate family - and I love her very much.
She does, however, have a terrible habit of covert narcissism, ingrained n her by generations before her - my gran was the same- that is impossible for anyone else to see except those who are targeted. And although I think my sister's complete abandonment of our family is abominable, I understand that my mother did it to her too.
Last night was the first of the "family traditions," where we made ginger bread biscuits...
and of course, it started out as a total disaster. The Butter I had taken out of the fridge had been put back in, we started an hour late, and we were out of flipping GINGER. Of all things. I think I have had the same container of ginger spice since I lived with my mother... so I just sort of - expected it to be there. I did compensate with nutmeg and cinnamon and it actually turned out ok.
Then wen it came to rolling out and cutting the cookies, I must say we had fun doing that, and cutting out the cookies with various shapes of Christmas themed cookie cutters.
I totally fucked up the 1st batch though. I mean, I put the timer on and baked at 180° celcius, but when the buzzer went off, I was in the middle of something and said an extra 5 minutes wouldn't make much of a difference, well... it did. I managed to salvage some of them, but so many of them were too far gone. RIP little burnt cookies.
The second and third batch came our beautifully though.
By the time we were finished, however, I had more than run out of spoons - I had gone into the negative actually, and went to bed without supper.
The concept of spoons so for mental health and personal boundaries (this is a real exercise by the way and not a joke like running out of trifle, although that is a real phobia of mine). You think of your emotional energy in terms of spoons and each activity takes a certain amount of spoons: taking a shower, making sure you eat, going to the shop, going to work, visiting a friend, brushing your teeth etc... Dealing with or spending time with my mother, as sweet as she is, takes ALL of my spoons and then some.
The next step for Christmas cookie prep is to decorate the cookies with royal icing, dipping them in basic background colours - like white for snowmen, red for the Christmas socks and green for the Christmas trees.. and then some things, like the gingerbread men won't need background colours as the are already the right colour. We just need to pipe on faces and buttons, etc. for the snowmen and gingerbread men.
Then I still need to finish all the knitting and sewing on time (and I am terrible at sewing) but out couch has been so horribly abused that the covers had to be washed twice, with some stains being permanent - I have been threatening to just dye the covers a different colour... but this year, there are actually giant holes in the pillow cases and on the main back and armrest piece. Firstly, I love that couch. IT is a CORICRAFT couch and I refuse to take my mother up on her very generous offer to take her couch because I don't want the kids t fuck that up too 🙄🙄🙄🙄 I suppose I'll wait till they all move out.
Additionally, I am frantically trying to finish my mom's scarf as I thought it would be a lovely Christmas gift. I am literally knitting in my sleep!
Then the actual Christmas tree must be decorated: right now I looks like I feel. Dilapidated but will look fine with some lights and decorations :p
I was even told at work that I can't wear reindeer horns to the office! That is the first Christmas I have ever worked where I am not allowed to wear reindeer horns :( my Christmas spirit is being drained by the minute. I suppose I am glad I asked first instead of pitching up with them and being scolded on Monday.
I also thought I somehow magically still had another week before Christmas, but I don't, so I will have to "snap to it." Sigh.
I am sure I will feel better with Christmas carols going and enormous amounts of wine. 🤫🤫🤪🤪🥴🥴
I will let you know how it goes!
Merry Christmas everyone.