Do I attract it on purpose or does it seek me out on purpose? I am not sure, but there always seems to be something I am panicking about. Do I revel in drama and find comfort in the chaos? Perhaps am damaged enough that that may actually be true in certain times, but other times, things really are out of my control, and lets face it, my coping mechanisms suck.
Do I self-sabotage? definitely.
So how do I shift my mindset?
My last few "mommy's mental health" posts have generally been about self improvement, but in the last month, I have been whacked by a wave of stressful events, that really were out of my control.
They did give me a really good measure of how far I've come and that a large amount of healing has occurred, so at least I have that.
I had huge drama at work as my hours were cut. My boss had to make decisions based on the wellbeing of the business, and while I know that it had nothing to do with me personally or my performance, I took massive offence. Particularly over the fact that cutting my hours was unfair and I was being underutilized on purpose by the other office staff - who are desperately tryng to save face and continue to drown - rather than admit they need help.
I sent an email in my personal time, to my boss, and probably crossed some lines, which in turn made her hyper defensive.
And thus, a mess was made. She's had awful employees and I've had awful employers. It's something else I need to leave behind and heal from because this almost cost be my job and earned me a meeting with HR.
In the time that has passed though, I have found that the working environment has become warmer and that more work is coming my way, as well as work that was previously being held back from me. All of which I am appreciative for and at the end of the day it's good for the business as well.
Losing two days of income is massive... it's 40% of my salary. That means that the budgets that 
I stopped at the shop a few days ago and bought myself some damn cottage cheese - which sounds miniscule, but I needed to know I could spend a little money on myself.
I have made peace with what has transpired at work. Currently, it means that I get a four day weekend, which is certainly something to be massively grateful for, considering how much pain I have to battle through at work.
Then, life threw me another curve ball, as my mom was admitted to hospital for her existing mobility issues. They decided to admit her as it would be easier than her having to travel to and from the hospital, and I am massively grateful for how thorough they have been.
We thought that my mother had had a massive stroke while she was in the UK. This was extremely triggering as my dad also had a massive stroke, leaving him paralyzed on his left side and eventually leading to his death.
Test results have proven to be inconclusive. While there is no indication of a stroke large enough to have caused my mother's paralysis in her leg, there were shadows and anomalies picked up in the scan that could mean many things, including previous minor strokes.
So we are left without answers.
She is going back to hospital for a CT scan of her pelvis, and perhaps we will get more answers there...
but I think it is time to accept that my mother is simply getting old. Her body and mind are starting to deteriorate and we are going to need to find her a spot in an assisted living facility.
It fucking sucks that I will have to watch her grow old, deteriorate and eventually pass on - without any support from my sister.
She has expressed previously that mom should be cared for by the NHS, but the UK's health system is honestly more fucked up than ours. Which is hard to believe, but a reality.
I also could not bare to send my mother back to the UK in her condition to die alone. That would be really shitty of me.
It's been extremely hard to watch her go from this (which is how I still picture her in my mind, ironically - she worked as a Nursing Sister her whole adult life, taking care of the elderly... And now she is slowly becoming exactly that):
to this:
I have enormous conflicting feelings of guilt, anger, regret and sadness as I look back on my childhood. My mother suffered terribly for us girls. Although, honestly, much of her suffering was also self made. She refused to ask for help and she stayed married to my father for far to long. But what is the point of crucifying her now? I guess I understand her a lot better now that I am a mother, having also gone through hard time and divorce, that being an adult does not mean you magically become all-knowing, or something. We forget that our parents are just human beings and did the best they could with whatever broken parts their parents left them in their toolbox of coping mechanisms. I am trying to break the cycle here... but I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard.
And I feel very alone. And scared AF.
Thank God for
The hard truth is that I can't make my mother or my sister the focus of my being.
I can't let past hurts and heartbreaks keep me trapped.
I am ultimately hurting myself, and my partner and my children.
It doesn't mean I can't grieve or feel, but I cant let it swallow me up anymore.
My family deserves better than that.
And so do I.
