I'm having a hard time. I put on a brave face a lot of the time, but I have discovered that grief for the living can be far more difficult than for those who have passed on. Out of respect for the expressed wishes of the person concerned, I have to tread extremely carefully on this trail of eggshells...
What do I do with my grief but to write it down?
We had a massive... colossal fight when my father passed and I was told never to contact her again. I don't know how to live my life without her. She has always been my True North. My Sun, my guiding light. Without her, it's unimaginably dark.
I cried myself to sleep last night. There's only so much you can repress.
How can someone you love so deeply be so cold about closing themselves off? I just don't understand. I get needing space... or time.. but forever? I don't understand.
On the other hand, I have been blessed this week as one of my battles, a big one, was successfully won. If you've ever battled with a government department, you'll understand the immense, painful red-tape-filled process. Submitting electronically, became null and void as every department's site "crashed." This meant when I eventually managed to pluck up the courage and go stand in that horrible line... twice in a month...AGAIN, we discovered they'd lost most of my data and communications.
I was prepared to give up when my phone pinged the other day to let me know that the Unemployment Insurance Fund not only paid me, but they paid everything they owed me at once. That means I never have to go back. And that is a massive relief.
And just before Christmas too. Looks like there will be a festive and happy Christmas after all.