It's been a rough three years. Probably the darkest of my life. The kind of darkness that is completely devoid of light... hopeless and drowning. I don't think the people I have confided in have really understood how dangerously close I was standing to the edge.
These memes appeared on my Facebook newsfeed recently ad just hit the nail on the head...
The counselling centre I was attending said that I need t go see a psychiatrist for roper therapy, but since I don't have the money for that I'm stuck with government health, which is just a nightmare.
I am so grateful. For him, and my children. they literally save my life every day, without even knowing it.
I didn't choose to be this way... and it's not a matter of just ... changing a switch to just suddenly not be depressed or in a state of mourning, but I need to find a way out.
I've spent far too much time thinking I would heal if I could just get back to where I was three years ago... before my life was decimated... but like other versions of myself, that Claire is no longer me and I have to accept that I am who I am now. Instead of working to go backwards, I have to use the tools, love and support I have to accept me for who I am now and let go of the anger and sadness that has been eating me alive.
My mother and I have also become extremely close … realizing that we are all that is left of our family. I am so proud of her. She has been forced into retirement by chronic nerve pain and has found herself in a similar position to me, but all alone in the UK. One of my biggest fears is her passing away alone up there... but look at how she has been channeling her emotions and processing her sense of loss and anger. I am so proud of her for delving back into her art. She is extremely talented.
My aunt and I have also become extremely close. Especially after my dad passed away. My dad's sister was born exactly a year after my father. They were almost twins and were very close. Their parents, my grandparents, then took an enormous gap in their relationship, including a divorce and then reconciling and remarrying. They then had my other aunt and my uncle, almost 12 years after the birth of their older siblings.
My aunts were very close and they all lived together in a lovely big home here in Cape Town, but sold the house and immigrated to Australia. The whole lot of them; my grandparents included. As time wet on, something went horribly wrong. I am not even sure what it was, but the two sisters had a fight and to this day, do not speak to each other. Even when their brothers died just weeks apart, there was no reconciliation. Look at how my aunt has channeled her own pain into these beautiful creations:
I relate to this so much as my own sister has said very clearly that she wants nothing to do with me and I do not have a sister anymore. I remember having a conversation with my sister, many years ago, where we promised each other that nothing could ever turn us against each other like that, but here we are. Losing her has been like losing a part of myself, like an amputated limb. It's taken me months of fetal position sobbing to start to let go of her. Loving her and holding onto hope is destroying me... and my family too. I have to break free. I channel my pain through music. As sad as this song is, I find that once I have created something from my darkness, I find light in connecting with other people who have similar situations and relate to my lyrics. I am so grateful I found my music again.
In My dreams - Written by Claire Mobey and Performed by MobeyDick at Andy's Club 3.0
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"In My Dreams" - Claire Mobey
Performed by Claire Mobey and Jasper Dick at Andy’s Club Take 2
Ooohhhhh Ooohhhhh
In my sleep, you are all I need
While I lye dreamin', there you are with me
My dreams ain't got a good sense of the time
And they can't count the years wasted, gone by
Cause in my Dreams
I know it's all a lie
And in my dreams
You never said goodbye
No matter how hard I try
I can't stay asleep, I'll die
Even though I know that's how you'd stay with me
Ooohhhhh Ooohhhhh
You brush my hair and pin a butterfly
You see my soul when you look through my eyes
I'm fast asleep but I know it ain't right
I shut my eyes, yeah God I squeeze them tight
Cause in my Dreams
I know it's all a lie
And in my dreams
You never said goodbye
No matter how hard I try
I can't stay asleep, I'll die
Even though I know that's how you'd stay with me
Ooohhhhh Ooohhhhh
I feel the air movin' across my face
As you whisper "I Love You" in an embrace
The harder I try to hold onto you
The more you fade away, just like I knew
That in my Dreams
I know it's all a lie
And in my Dreams
You never said goodbye
This time I swear that I'll try
To stay sleep although I'll die
Cause that's the only way you'd stay with me
Cause that's the only way you'd stay with me
Cause in my Dreams
I know it's all a lie
And in my dreams
You never said goodbye
No matter how hard I try
I can't stay asleep, I'll die
Even though I know that's how you'd stay with me
Ooohhhhh Ooohhhhh