AAAAAAh yes. I remember starting this series... and my last installment just at the beginning of May/ End of April, around the time we went on our first family holiday. I remember still being high on endorphins from our last gig at the Alma Café and feeling so positive and.... comfortable.... and safe....
Then, nevermind letting go of the reins, it's more like... the universe was like, "What's that you say? Happy, you are? F%^&ing character development is what you need!"
Well, really, and honestly, a big middle finger to you non-entity universe thingy.
Just wow.
Since returning from our heavenly little holiday:
Our cat was run over by a bus, my father died, I have been diagnosed with trochlea displacea in both my knees (which is inoperable in the government health sector) - which means that for now I'm stuck like this (possibly for the rest of my life), my uncle (my fathers brother - 12 years his junior) died just a few weeks after spending the most meaningful time with us and supporting us through mourning my father, and then the most recent addition to the clusterf$@&k that has become my life, I was informed just over a week ago that I've been retrenched.
What
The
Actual
Fuck.
So, aside from battling crippling existential dread, anxiety, and depression, I have actually been trying to look after my mental health, by taking my meds like a good girl and increasing doses where it's a healthy decision, going to therapy, and following up on my referrals to physiotherapy, pain management and psychotherapy and my local day hospital.
Honestly, though, it's been really tough. It's not unusual for my 1st panic attack of the day to reach me before midday and when I am home, leaving the comfort of my giant fluffy purple blanket is terrifying.
I don't know what is around the next corner and I honestly feel like I'm failing at everything.
Recently, I've realised, after much comfort and love and support and tear and snot absorption by my incredible husband person 
check the signage of this shop!! "Emergency Happiness" 🤣🤣 yes please, I'll take 5! Lol
I am starting by being grateful. Which is hard right now. But I really and honestly am.
I am grateful that gigs and radio interviews and exposure for 
I am grateful for my gorgeous children. For 
I am grateful for the relationships I have fostered with my father's family (although losing Uncle Barry was just exceptionally cruel). I did not realise how many wonderful cousins and aunts and uncles I have. I also did not realise how many wonderful people there actually are in the world, who helped me to afford my father a dignified sendoff. From complete strangers, to people here on ecency, to facebook friends I've never met, to foreign family to friends I haven't seen since I was tiny. Everyone banded together. To say I was grateful would be a massive understatement.
I am grateful that the thought of mortality has obliterated my stage fright. I hope this lasts. Not the constant reminder of our mortal existence, I need a bit of a break from that now, but rather, I hope I can now continue to perform like I did at the Barleycorn, just last week. Just wow. I mean, the nerves were still there... but the accompanying paralyzing fear was not. I finally felt what my purpose was, what my purpose is, and not only do I belong up there beside Jasper, but I have a privileged and honorable duty to create music and perform my heart out. I now know too many people who have literally run out of time. And if that doesn't shift one completely, I don't know what does. Suddenly, what I want out of music is clear. I want to live it, breathe it, create it, and be as present in the moment as possible. No running away or playing it safe. That is not an option anymore.
So, as I try to pick up the pieces of my life and patch up my sails... as I try to find my direction and figure out what it is that I really want from my life, I feel like it's most important for me to do two things:
- be gentle with myself
- be grateful
I'll let you know how that goes............
