Depression is sneaky. It waits for you to be weak, whatever it is, whether it's hurt from a lost relationship or job, or physical ailments, it finds its way in.
This past week, I suffered another back injury after trying to go Christmas shopping on my own. I have a sciatic nerve injury that flares up if I stand too long. I'm ok if I keep moving, as standing still, like in a queue is excruciating and I can only handle that for 5 minutes max. Even if I do keep moving, I can only handle that for a maximum, of about 500m to a kilometer. Unfortunately, Christmas shopping took a lot more out of me than that.
I know what it means when the pain comes. It means bed rest. And no, it's not as exciting as it sounds. We live in a double-story house with all the bedrooms upstairs and a bathroom (Thank God), but it means I can't go down to make myself coffee or food and I have to rely heavily on 
It's lonely. It's frustrating. And it makes me believe that there is no future for me. And this despite my achievements of late in improving my physical health, a setback like this can heavily impact my mental health and leaves me ruminating about all the emotional pain I've experienced in my whole life and giving way too much credit to the opinions of those who have hurt me in my whole life. Recent pains and the most major traumas are the main culprits. It leaves me feeling helpless and out of control and I'll do anything to sleep through it all, the physical and mental pain.
Of course, I know this isn't healthy, for me or the kids. But depression doesn't care.
It had me believing in the shadows on the wall. And it felt like all the Christmas spirit was sucked out of me by this depression vampire.
Then slivers of hope started to weave themselves in. Hope is as determined as depression. It's a friend reaching out unexpectedly, a random act of kindness, or reaching a personal goal that has helped me to get my head above the black water.
It's amazing what hope can do <3
