So I may have mentioned it, but my mother is here from the UK. To give you some context, my mom was not born in the UK (though you would swear she was) but was ironically born in the small east coast town of East London, here in South Africa.
My Mom did a long stint there, doing secretarial work and odd jobs, even as a pinchable wench in a medi-evil-themed tavern in her early twenties 😂😂😂. She had lived a pretty sheltered, small-town life before this and her experience in London as well as a year or two in the Amazon (where she tried magic mushrooms, for the first and last time, with the local Indigenous people and working as an assistant on private yachts - chartered around the Mediterranean, gave her an incredibly eye-opening experience of the real world and what was beyond her front door..This was just before she came back to South Africa and started her studies and residency as a nurse at Groote Schuur Hospital.
I love speaking and most of all listening to stories about this period of travel and freedom in her life. Her eyes light up every time, and I swear there are just more and more stories. She even kept her Amazon Boots for years although she never wore them. I remember discovering them in her cupboard.
When my mom decided to become a mother, shortly after marrying my father (about 2 years), she was all in. My Dad had a good job at IBM and was transferred to Johannesburg from Cape Town. I was born there 5 years after my sister. My dad lost his job at IBM as they pulled out of the country like so many companies did due to sanctions against the apartheid government. While it was, in the big picture, incredibly important for this to happen and to put pressure on the regime, it was devastating to my family. My father, who already had a massive drinking problem and unresolved trauma and mental issues, became abusive and it took my mother years until she finally pulled the plug on their marriage. I was 9 years old.
My dad tried to start his own business, fixing typewriters - which still made sense in the late 80s and early 90s but became more and more obsolete as people moved on to personal computers. I still remember learning how to load the paper, the parts lying around the house and the big metal ball that goes inside with all the numerical and alphabetical characters on it, that would rotate as you typed.
My dad's drinking worsened and he amassed huge amounts of debt. This was before the Consumer Protection Act was in place and was also at a time when people got married in Community of Property. Prenuptial agreements just weren't talked about. My mom had to go back to work when I was quite young, to keep us fed, to keep the lights on and the roof over our head as my dad plummeted to rock bottom.
When my parents got divorced in 1994, ironically, a great time of freedom for our country, my mother took on all of my father's debt in order to keep him out of prison. This nearly killed her, and we definitely suffered terribly as children.
Eventually, my mom got a job in the UK (and I was supposed to follow her, but that's a whole other side story) where she spent the next 15 years and obtained British citizenship.
She then came back to help me with Matthew when I went through my own divorce, and we lived together for about 4 years. It's definitely uncomfortable as an adult, to move back in with your mom. Especially a mom who was trying to make up for lost time, having left half way through my teens.
Covid happened and we all lost our jobs, including my mother, as a nurse, can you believe it! She fought it for a while but as a nurse in her 70's she was unemployable in the South African market. So she packed her bags and moved back to the UK.
My mom's visits, both on her 1st long-term nursing stint and her second one, are intense. Once again, she tries to cram all the mothering she can into a very short space of time. It can feel super smothering. Especially when it comes to anything to do with health related issues - obviously - because she is a nursing matron and is used to bossing people around.
That being said, her visits have also somehow been almost psychically timed. She just happened to be here when I found out I was pregnant as a teen and was there to hold my hand through the most difficult decision I ever had to make (once again, a story for another time - and it is in some of my other posts). She also just happened to be here when my father passed away. Despite their years of separation and all the pain he put her through, she was with him right until the end and he died in her arms.
Although my mom feels like she's being a helicopter parent at times, I have to try to remember how much she loves me... how much trauma she suffered... and at the end of the day, that her intentions are good.
I was deeply affected by my father's passing in mid 2023, and I'm still struggling. But I can only begin to imagine how I will feel when she goes one day. I hope she continues on her path now, as she gets back on her feet financially and I hope she can eventually come back to South Africa to rest and retire - which is long overdue. My absolute worst fear is her getting sick and passing on in the UK all alone. I would love to be by her side as she was with my grandmother and my father.
As far as genetics go on the female side of our family though, I do believe she has at least another 30 years with us as my gran made it to almost 101 years old!
It's complicated at times, but I love my mother deeply. She is here at the moment, and as long as we respect healthy boundaries and give our energy when we have it, we do well. I went for lunch with her at her friend's home, where she is staying, and she unboxed some of the lovely gifts she had gathered since the last time she was here, including this freaking AWESOME pillow.
I have taken my pain meds now, and will probably rest a bit and then head back to the pool after avoiding it for a week, and who knows; maybe we'll try another visit this afternoon. Her visit is short this time, so we have to make the most of it.<3