Many of you know I've been struggling.
Physically
Mentally
Spiritually
As a whole human being
I have not gone through the 7 stages with grace... By any means...
(thanks to those of you who've stuck around and supported my angry posts)
And I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who stood by me as I fought a losing battle while my world was falling apart.
I woke up this morning to my stupid cat wanting to be let out of my bedroom 10 minutes after 
And I was suddenly hit with a wave of gratitude.
I've been to have recent medical and psych checkups and have plans in place for the future... Which is great...
But my mom Merle Mobey sent me a voicenote this morning about how nerves sometimes pop back into place while you're sleeping because all the muscles are relaxed...
And that really got me thinking.
What if...
I've been unable to heal all this time because I've been unable to let go?
Unable to trust my husband to look after me?
Unable to trust in the universe?
Look, trauma has a huge part to play in this. I mean.... Since I was a little girl I've never stopped living in survival mode. Because the people who were supposed to care for me and be my safe space.... Just couldn't. They had to do things for myself. Right through both my previous long term relationships: both 8 years long and spanning from the age of 16 to 32. I never knew when the rug would be pulled out from under me and I always had to be ready for worst case scenario.
I got my first job at 11 to help with groceries and would fall asleep in the bathroom stalls.
It's been my life. Abandonment and fighting for survival
Now... I physically cannot do those things. Emotionally, I do not have the capacity to deal with loss and grief, disappointment, anger, and pain. Not in the way I used to anyway.
Normally I'd run to the bottle store or I'd drown myself in double shifts at work but I can't do those things anymore.
I have no choice...
But to trust
To slow down
To sit with the dark
And let it become my friend
And then slowly see what lies ahead.
It might not be clear now, I may not have a vision, but I finally feel like it's OK to not be OK.
I am allowed to take time to heal
I am allowed to rest
And one day, I will look back and I will thank myself for being kind and granting myself grace and space to do this.
Thank you to those of you who've been in my corner. I love you immeasurably.
[Verse 1]
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
[Chorus]
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
[Verse 2]
And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer
Let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer
Let it be
[Chorus]
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
[Instrumental Break]
[Guitar Solo]
[Chorus]
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
[Verse 3]
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow
Let it be
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be, yeah
[Outro]
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Oh, there will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Oh, there will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be