Firstly, I would like to apologize to those of you who I interact with regularly. It appears I managed to completely burn myself out. I have been absent from hive, and most of my life really, for the last two weeks.
I probably should have started with the simplest of concepts. That I am allowed to say no.
A baking frenzy, trying to get the energy and money together to perform at two separate gigs, just a week apart, followed by my mother arriving home permanently from the UK, all coupled with a horrible seasonal bug that has made its way through our family, was apparently enough to sent this whole ship straight into an iceberg.
The mixture of burnout and illness only exacerbated my base level depression and anxiety and made me 10000000 times more sensitive to my pain than usual.
I have barely been able to make it out of bed just to bath, nevermind facing anyone from the outside world, which is sad because my mom arrived home three weeks ago and I've only seen her twice.
My therapist told me, some time ago, about the spoon concept. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with this idea, but basically, you start your day with a certain amount of spoons, which you can increase and decrease depending on your energy levels for the day. And unfortunately chronic illness is a bit of a spoon kleptomaniac, and tends to pinch your spoons.
My insomnia and anxiety has also become extremely bad, one tailing the other, urging each other on. Lack of sleep leads to less of an ability to self regulate and I have found myself absolutely wide awake as a vampire at 2am and dead as a corpse at 2pm, then the world is bustling around me.
I want to get up. Reach for my laptop, write a post, job hunt, help the kids manage their chores and homework, but I haven't brushed my hair in three days and I swear I put my electronic toothbrush on charge, but I can't find it. It's days like these that I start with a negative amount of spoons and when I figure out what the hell you're supposed to to with less than nothing, you'll be the 1st to know.
Well, today, was a giant leap forward... during this week I've been celebrating small wins, like bathing. And I think I'm getting better.
Today I went for a drive with my love. It was just a medicine run, but it felt good to be out. The sun made my skin feel warm in a way that blankets cant achieve. And spending some alone time, just talking about life, concepts, fears and adulting with my favourite person has made an enormous impact on my mood.
This is my 1st post in almost two weeks, and I can't remember the last time that happened.
It's taken... so long to recover.
But one foot in front of the other, one post at a time... hopefully, I will start feeling better and better as the days go on. Hopefully, I've learned from my mistake.
I need to listen to myself better, and love myself better. So that I can love those most precious to me.
Here's to counting those spoons 💙💙💙