For the last two to three years, I have found myself stuck in a repetitive loop. Like a hamster wheel that I can't seem to get off of. I think I'm starting to catch sight of how to leave and that means taking a leap.
My grief had become, in my mind, all consuming, and has even become my identity. 
We had a concert last night and as per usual, I was trying to find ways to worm out of it so I could stay in my nest with my hot water bottle and my cat, looking like something she dragged out if the trash! Ok, that's a little harsh, but not far off.
I don't know where I'd be without the endless love and support of my family... my mother, my children and most importantly, my partner,
The last two to three years (I'm starting to lose count, even forgetting my dad's anniversary of his passing in May) have been absolutely horrid and have truly brought me to my knees in humility. I have had to give up much of my independence to
I worked so hard in my life to earn my own way in this world and was within arms reach of paying off all my debt, until I got retrenched. And talk about kicking a dog when its down. I lost my Dad, my Uncle, My sister, my job, my physical strength, two kittens and all my hope as I carefully tried to take on each trauma and tried to heal one at a time.
It wasn't always possible though, and there were often times where it all hit me at once, leaving me paralyzed with pain...
I have to keep reminding myself to take the time to just deal with one thing at a time, giving myself space to grieve, be angry and process my pain through creativity.
Image Credit: my beautiful and talented daughter,
I have been focusing my energy on starting my own little business, which has been an amazing distraction. It's hard not to feel despondent as it didn't just fly off into a thriving business straight away like I fantasized and I found myself crying into melted chocolate at 4am.
I have had to learn to pace myself and ask for help and its actually been a wonderful bonding experience with my family. Whether it's making aliens or decorating cookies💝
I have to remind myself that firstly, I'm doing it because I love it, and I don't want to ruin that and that it takes time to build a brand and a customer base. I have already finished my first official custom cake order for a client which i was so proud of! Unfortunately she came 3 hours early while I was applying the rice paper print to the freaking amazing chocolate ganache cake, so I couldn't finish decorating it properly or adding the rosettes to cover the line between the ganache and the fondant base for the rice print.
sample pic
O M G just look at all that chocolate 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤎🤎🤎🤎🤎🤎🤎
The client and her friends were blown away and they all had cake for breakfast though, so I know I did something right! It did look so good.... I am gong to have to make a ganache cake for 
I have also been writing a lot of new songs, which is incredible since I've had a total dry spell for at least 3 years.
infact I wrote three in 24 hours!
A sad country song
and a song that hast come to life yet called "The King and the Queen of the Night" based on true life events for which I will need an entire band.... I'm hoping Andy's Club might help me do that. It a... well, thing glam 80s rock ballad like Jon Bon Jovi, Meat Loaf, Celine Dion's "It's all coming back to me" all mused together.
There are good days and there are bad days...
On the bad days, I have a terrible habit of lumping all my trauma together and drowning in it. I keep looking backwards... where did it all go wrong? What could I have done differently? But as much as I dig, I just retraumatize myself and find myself without any answers. I tend to get stuck in this loop - looking for people to blame and blaming myself. All I can do s hide from the world in my blaket fort with my Lexi
On the good days, I can see the future... If I dare to look, hope and dream. It's hard to open my heart to happiness again after so much was stripped from me. It's hard to let the armor down.
I have a marketing course to finish, so I am trying to better myself by earning that diploma. My music and my time on stage with 
Last night, I had a good bath, spent some really good time on my makeup and hair... the depression has been so bad I don't even know when last I bathed properly. Like not quick sink baths for the important bits, but a real soak, and found that there is still a pretty lady under all the layers and barricades I've out up to feel safe.
Then of course there's my knitting where I am taking on a more sort of official uniform item for 
They say being comfortable is the most dangerous place to be. You should do one thing that scares you every single day, and that is how one moves forward and grows.
Here's to jumping off that hamster wheel!
