In times of sadness, we're told to count our blessings. To cast aside our uglier emotions and put on a happy face. I don't mean that I think people lack empathy, so much as capacity. I think everyone is dealing so much with their own stuff that it's hard to take on other people's shadow emotions.
Shadow emotions are something I have been learning a lot about in my writing. I don't know if the projects find me, or if I seek them out, but I'm being allowed to experience quite a substantial amount of cathartism through my writing as I get to do a lot of psychology research.
Shadow emotions are the ones we hide from the world, and sometimes even ourselves. It's the stuff we like to bury because either we as individuals or society and the people around us get uncomfortable when they come out.
Psychiatrist Carl Jung coined the term "Shadow Emotions," a concept built upon research on personality types by Sigmund Freud in the early/mid 1900s.
Shadow emotions are:
Sadness
Jealousy
Anger
Grief
Shame
Just to name a few. It's the uncomfortable stuff. Stuff we'd rather bury. And we get damn good and burying them because we start hiding these things away from early childhood.
Girls are subliminally/ covertly and even overtly told they're not allowed to be angry and boys are told they're not allowed to cry.
We develop a voice inside us, or several, as I just found out in therapy today - an inner critic. Just like our shadow emotions, the inner critic(s) do actually serve a purpose.
They're based on our fundamental needs for psychological and physical safety. Through self discovery and recognising these voices and emotions, we can work through them, acknowledge them, figure out what they're trying to do and then consciously decide if they are serving us or need to take a back seat.
I am certainly no expert, but I've been given some "homework" by my therapist to help me work through my ugly stuff.
I also have to focus on what I am grateful for. I am devastated by Mittens' untimely death, just a year after Chai. Chai's death was the start of an avalanche of tragic events last year, and aside from feeling brokenhearted about losing him, I am also terrified about what life has waiting for me in the months to come.
On a positive note, I have just finished my second book, so I guess I can actually call myself a "real writer" now. Having been employed full-time since the age of 15, getting used to freelance work and being at home has been a hell of an adjustment. I'm used to having colleagues and I'm used to being able to get up and go to work, away from home, like a normal person. In a way, I have been wanting to work from home for a long time, so even when we experience negative things, there are golden nuggets... if we really look deeply.
I have an incredibly loving and supportive partner, wonderful children, and incredible friends. Also, I still have Lexi and Squeek. We may be adding a new addition to our family soon, but I think we need to take our time.
The new meds I started last week have been working incredibly well, even at this early stage, so let's hope they keep doing that as I slowly wean onto stronger doses over the course of the next month or two. Changing meds is terrifying so I am more than grateful that these meds are making a real and tangible positive difference to my mental health.
I am hoping to do more shows, get out of the house more, practice my music and try to get my creative spirit back and I might even take up knitting! There is a wool shop around the corner from me. I realized that although I am quite shit at knitting, I can knit scarves, and I can knit squares. That means I could knit for charity. And that gives me a sense of purpose.
I'll let you know how my therapy homework goes :)