Rest in peace little Chai 2022-2023 and Rest in Peace my father 1949-2023
The last week has been utter hell. There is no way to possibly articulate the heartache that has befallen my family in the last few days.
I have been wanting to post... dreading posting... and needing to deal with all this grief and all the horrible necessities that go along with both the death of a furchild and a human being.
The absolute shock of mortailty has sent indescribable ripples through my soul and everywhere I go, all I can sense is death. IT is on the tip of my tongue... the air I breath and behind my eyes every time I close them.
Images of Chai... and the bus... and the realisation that at only one year old, he departed this world. Our house is a tomb with him missing. The grief so enourmous, that even 
Then, after putting him to rest...
and barely just being able to get out of bed and scrape together our emotions to get through a drive home without sobbing uncontrollably...
I got into the car with the kids on Thursday morning and recieved a call from the home my father had been living in, to tell me he was dying.
I am drowning
drowning in a sea of grief.
I am drowning in administration.
I'm drowning in trying to be a good mother and shouldering everyone else's grief.
I'm drowning in guilt for not having enough money.
I'm drowning in the unwillingness of loved ones to get involved.
I wish this was a healthy post with a healthy conclusion... like all my other posts... that I only write when i have found my way out of the darkness... but in this post I am still fumbling. Walking blindly... up to my neck in tears.
I have been contacted by our local free counselling centre, that is funded by the church and run by Post Grad Psychology students and I have been told that have an appointment, after a year of waiting. At least that is a relief and therapy is on the way.
Because I am unable to retell the story of my fathers passing, or Chai's passing without collapsing in on myself, you can read the story here: beautifully written by my husband person,
"Beloved family of Garth, in the wake of his passing, we want to take this time to rejoice in small blessings. Blessings in the enormous beautiful rainbow that appeared over the mountain this morning, blessings that each one of you was in Dad's life and the biggest blessing of all, that he crossed over in the arms of my mother.
I cannot imagine a more peaceful way for him to have departed.
The last 7 years, since the stroke, were immensely difficult for all of us, but especially for dad: as he lost the ability to play musical instruments and even reading and speaking became difficult in the end. He is now at rest and at peace and I thank each one of you for your care, love and condolences in this difficult time.
As a family, myself, my mother and my sister are unable to afford the arrangements to give Dad a respectable sendoff. We would like to arrange a small wake and we would like to be able to deal with the not so nice side of his passing, which would be the administration as well as his cremation. Please would you kindly consider assisting us with funding, quite urgently, as we need to make the necessary arrangements with the powers that be."
As I sit in my lounge, staring at the spare empty food bowl, and the broken guitar in my lounge I ask for time and grace to grieve as life races forward without a care... unwiling to slow down for me to mourn.
Thank you 
HIVE MUSIC FESTIVAL Week 20 Second Round (ENG-ESP): "Baby Don't Cry!" (Original work-in-progress!)
and to the infamous Don Maclean for "Vincent" for my father.
The weight is unbearable
God Give me strength
Thank you for this rainbow that you sent us on Friday morning...
"Reaper Man" ~ Terry Pratchett Book Art - image courtesy of The Josh Kirby Estate ~ Edited by my sister, Kim Mobey: little girl replaced by little boy with trumpet (a likeness of my father as a child)