With my daughter Aime turning 18 in just a few weeks and myself turning 41 in exactly 35 days, I have been wondering what I was really up to in those days.
Apparently, up to no good - these pictures were taken long before I was 18 and I had already been up for more than 24 hours of a party that turned out to be four days long. Thank GOD karma was kind and has actually blessed me with amazing kids.
My motto for this year is basically to do my best to leave the past where it belongs, behind me, so that I can be a better mother and partner as well as kinder to myself.
It is something I have always struggled with - letting go. When it comes to matters of the heart, I only love at two speeds: and that means nothing or everything, and once I am in, I am all in. Unfortunately for me it has caused me a lot of pain and CPTSD from abandonment issues that I have been trying to work through in therapy, but I think I need to take another leap.
I have actually been plotting writing a letter for a long time, but just never got around to it, or was to scared to even start. But the sudden and unexpected death of my ex sister in law at 48 really shocked me to my core.
I originally wrote this song for my sister, but I wrote it freakishly close to my sister in law's passing that I've rededicated it to her. The lyrics really fit.
So this letter I speak of, is my chance to tell my side of the story and say things I never got to say from thank you to fuck you, to the family that abandoned me.
Abandonment is where the majority of my mental health issues come from and this was a huge one.
I lost my fiancé and my entire "adoptive family" who I shared almost a decade of my life with, all in one go.
I was only 23 at the time, but the ripple effect on my decision making for at least the next decade was devastating.
I married an abusive husband and had a child with him anyway. Don't get me wrong here. I wanted Matthew and he was totally planned, but his father was a real piece of work.
With my sister in law having passed so suddenly and watching the man I truly considered to be my father, getting more and more frail - at a frighteningly rapid rate, I have realized that time is running out for me to tell my story.
If I want to say what I need to say, I need to do it now.
This letter, morphed into a short story/ memoir as I just kept adding memories... afraid that somehow time would steal them from me all together. I am too close to the subject though, so I have reached out to a writer and editor, who is also a trusted and dear friend, to try to wake sense of the story I am trying to tell.
"Why am I scratching at old wounds," you may ask? Well, sometimes, we heal over rot. and although it looks ok on the surface, there is still decaying mess under the surface that needs to be cut out, even if it's painful, in order to truly heal.
As for losing my sister, That has possibly been worse than anything I have ever experienced. I thought only death could separate us. She is 5 years older than me but has always felt like a twin. Like when she hurts I hurt. We ended up fighting when my dad passed away and I was dealing with funeral arrangements, and it was over something so stupid. But it has almost killed me that she could just turn her back and even leave the country to get away from me.
She knows me too well. Well enough to know that I only love at two speeds. and that's nothing or everything. I don't understand anything in between. Once I have started to love someone, I will love that person forever, carrying a piece of their soul with me everywhere I go.
But that bag is getting heavy now. And I need to start cleaning it out. I need to do this so I can be kinder to myself and a more present spouse and parent.
Still, it hurts. There are so often times when I hear songs or see memes or have life experiences that I would ordinarily share with her - we shared everything. And not being able to have her in my life almost cost me my life. If it wasn't for 
This song, from the series "Wednesday" is exactly the kind of song we would have harmonized to. And it breaks my heart that I will never be able to sing it with her.
As for my "adoptive" family, who apparently have no desire to have anything to do with me, I have so much to say. The point is to tell my side of the story but also to let my adoptive parents know how grateful I am to them for taking me into their family at the age of 15 and letting me be a part of it. I also need to let them know how much it hurt to have them ripped out of my life.
I am also writing this "memoir" as a healing mechanism for me, since therapy hasn't been enough to truly help me heal. It's for me as much as it is for them.
As for my ex, I wish I was more evolved, but I really feel like the last person in the world who deserves a happy ending is him and (I really wish his wife was easier to hate), and he found it. I know he pined for me for over a decade and suffered a horrific stroke (which he miraculously recovered from) in his mid 30s - most likely caused by his serious cocaine addiction.
He found the perfect woman and they have the perfect child. And I know he deserves it... logically... but he also hurt me so badly that I don't think he deserves it - not in my heart, anyway. His wife, who I have met and had a long conversation with, is a splitting image of me in my early 20s and their little girl, a precise visualization of the child I picture in my mind that I terminated at the age of 16. I wrote a song for both of them, although neither of them will ever hear it.
I have been making a list of songs that inspire me and reflect my emotions, topping that list being Yungblood and his song "Zombie," which has been nominated for a Grammy. his story of "rags to riches" is just so inspiring. How he fought through relentless cruelty to stay true to his authentic self so that he could share his incredible talent with the world. The progidy of the late Ozzy Osborne, Yungblood has done an amazing job of uniting generations and giving us a real Rock Star. Something we haven't seen in decades. With collaborations with The Smashing Pumpkins, Avril Lavine and Aerosmith, this guy is seriously making an enormous dent in the music industry and filling a gap that sorely needs it.
The words of his song " Zombie" truly reflect my state of mind these past few months. I recommend listening to this with headphones or in your car where you can blast the hell out of it.
Here's to 2026 and healing... and celebrating the beautiful friends and family who are my everything.
(