I can't really say "the rain is gone" since we're experiencing torrential downpours and winter descends in full force upon us - watering our garden and our souls.
My new medication is working fantastically well. I suppose the feeling is similar to putting glasses on, but for my brain. Or perhaps in my case actually cleaning my glasses off before putting them on. After spending almost 12 years on the same anti-depressant, I realized about two months ago that I was really not coping and desperately needed help. Just look at this smorgasbord of meds I take every day.
I spoke to 
Look! I completed my therapy homework!
I found this one on Facebook :)
Our government health institute is not fantastic when it comes to mental health, not in my experience anyway. I am basically allergic to the most commonly prescribed anti-depressants, SSRI's and SNRI's - which is all they prescribe.
I contacted my GP (who I do have to pay for and is very expensive, but very very very worth it). He has been treating me for the last 15 to 20 years and has handled all my mental health issues.
In my last entry, I spoke about moving on to the Mirtazapine/ Remeron and I have now gone from 7.5mg to 15 mg, as I wean on, with the ultimate goal of 30mg.
Mirtazapine is similar to Lantanon in that it is a tricyclic antidepressant, but is a more modern and effective formulation
with stronger effects and more broad-spectrum, treating OCD, Manic Depression, Major Depression, Chronic Anxiety Disorder and is a "safer" off-label sleeping aid prescribed for Insomnia. It is also the least likely to cause serotonin syndrome - which is enough to make you want to jump off a bridge. Not enough people know about it.
My sleep and mood have seen incredible improvements. The only side effect is dizziness in the mornings. I have, however, been carefully monitoring my blood pressure thanks to mommy's nifty Christmas present from last year: my own little travel-sized blood pressure monitor! And I am all good - even at the dizziest times. It's apparently very normal, I just need to not move too much. Takes about an hour to come right.
This morning I slept solidly till 8 am! This is unheard of for me for the last while. I would wake up as soon as poor Zak would get out of bed at 4/5 am and would not be able to go back to sleep.
Desperately anxious and suffering from panic attacks that would last for days at a time, I was in complete survival mode. Operating on mostly lizard brain. Unable to process emotions, especially anything positive. I was absolutely drowning. I felt like the horse in the Never Ending Story.
in my defense, I'm pretty sure we ALL binge-watched this!
Unable to sing, create music, or even leave my bedroom. Just grateful to be able to binge-watch series on Netflix or bury myself in work.... but when the distractions go away, what is left behind?
Last Friday, I managed to go downstairs, get out all my instruments and pour myself a good glass of pinotage (I can't really drink anymore with all my meds, so I had to plan this ahead of time), and spend some time with myself, doing what I love for the first time in months. Of course, the kids came to join me. They love to get involved and love to see me happy, doing what I love. It's a win-win.
I also finally got around to fixing the godawful restringing job I did on 
I chose 10 gauge strings which are supposed to be easier on the fingers if you're transitioning from nylon to steel. The selloff is that the sound isn't as bright, apparently, but getting comfortable with playing this gorgeous guitar is what is going to encourage me to get better at it. I hope to do lessons very soon, as soon as finances settle.
I have found myself being able to get excited about the future and I'm feeling immensely grateful for the life I have. Purpose and meaning have returned to my life and I am starting to be able to see things in colour again. It's hard to explain what major depression and chronic anxiety feel like to people who are neurotypical, but it's like being tortured by your own brain. Trapped. Imprisoned and completely out of control.
There is still a terrible stigma around treating mental health or going out to seek help, and part of the purpose of this blog is to help dispel that. We are all on a spectrum somewhere, and we need to know when to ask for help and to not be ashamed. If we don't we see patterns of self-destructive behavior and self-medication - both of which can cause irreparable damage to our physical bodies and our relationships with those closest to us - if left unchecked. I have seen it unfold in my father and so many other people in my life.
I have been incredibly blessed to have had the support of very good friends, a few of which called me out of the blue on the same day to check if I was alright. Like their "spidey senses" were tingling. This was just before I started the new meds or my counseling and was completely drowning. It's funny how the right people ... just know when you need them.
I'll be going for breakfast with my bestie tomorrow, which I am just so excited about. I think I deserve a spoil after completing my second book, and she just got engaged! So we have so much to catch up on. We'll go for a drive (which has been tradition since we both got our driver's licenses - that each time one of us got a new car, we'd have to take the other for a Marylin Manson Drive), listen to some Marylin Manson, and dream about the old days before she broke her foot and I broke my knee and what it felt like to dance in our giant Goth Boots and corsets in the smoke machines and strobe lights, and then we'll go sit in front of a fireplace and enjoy a great breakfast with fabulous coffee at Reload, down the road.
She is my sister, in the true sense of the word, and I don't know where I'd be without her. A friendship that has spanned 24 years. That's pretty special.
I'll post some pictures tomorrow. <3
Of course, my Lexi has also come to the rescue on a daily basis and her tiny little paws, sassy attitude and cuddles have seriously been life saving. Cats are such incredibly intuitive creatures - when they are not being arseholes.
Jasper came over for a jamming session/rehearsal on Saturday and brought me my own mic stand!! How exciting! I will be using this for live performances and recording at home, so I don't have to hold the bloody microphone while trying to operate sound software and read books for narration at the same time. It's strange.
I always feel nervous before rehearsals, even though Jasper is such a dear friend - from many moons ago, but after each session, my heart is full after each session!
and I am greatly inspired to do better, and to try better, and to not sit on my musical gifts. They don't have to be perfect. Yes, I need to put the effort in and I need to practice, but the real magic is actually showing up. That's 90% of the battle.
My family: specifically my children and my relentlessly supportive and loving partner,
I sneakily took this candid shot of 
Watching the relationships between the children mature and grow is sometimes hairy, but like everything related to our children, they surprise us at times we least expect it. I have even heard the children say I love you and have caught them hugging out of the corner of my eye. As a blended family, it is what you ultimately hope for the most, but it isn't something you can force. Even with blood siblings, there are ups and downs, and that is magnified when two families merge... but we have good kids. And although none of us is perfect and we all have bad days, I think we have something rare and incredibly special here.
- and having sneaky chocolate and movie dates with Zak after the kids have gone to sleep are just some of the joys I get to experience every day. This life we have created is beautiful and I am so grateful that I am able to see, hope for and work towards a brighter future for all of us.
Life is not perfect. Nor do I expect it to be. It throws us tragedy and opportunity when we least expect it and we are mostly unprepared for either. I suppose, in some strange way, that is a good thing. If we knew ahead of time, we would choose comfort over change. We would choose to stand still rather than face pain and loss. But at the end of it, we would also be denying ourselves future joys and the chance to grow.
Maybe, just maybe, there is someone or something that knows our path better than we do... who knows <3
