This month has been wild, to put it mildly. But now that all the glitz and glam of birthday celebrations has worn off, I'm back to the stark reality that is my life.
Thank GOD I have such an amazing and supportive partner, 
Although I know it's mostly shadows on the wall and voices in my head, but I can't help but feel... inadequate.
I am somehow not pulling in enough money here on ecency to cover what small bills I need to, despite posting two or three times a day and ranking up that engagement like crazy. I know there is a dip that we are experiencing, as far as hive dollar and hbd is concerned and that it extends way further than that, to the global price of bitcoin in general, thanks to crazy statements from the horrible orange man.
I've also been to two interviews this year and have not yet landed a job. The bills are piling up and I feel like I am drowning. Honestly.
When I get into a mode like this, my thought patterns become cyclic and I create a seemingly inescapable hamster-wheel of negative self-speak. I also tend to add to the pot, all the hurt and loss I've ever experienced. When I'm at my worst, I dig up old skeletons nd I find myself mentally drowning as well. @Zakludick said something last night, and it's true. I have a very hard time letting go of the past.
I remember in therapy, when I was receiving my first round of cognitive behavioral therapy, my therapist asked me what I thought our relationship was, and I burst into tears. I knew that the right answer was therapist/ patient, but after spending 16 sessions with her and laughing , crying and digging into the hardest parts of my past, I felt like we'd established some sort of bond and that I was somehow "special" to her. I realized in that moment that there was something fundamentally... "wrong" with me. I bond to easily, throwing everything into a connection, and in doing so, set myself up for disappointment and failure. This also means that I place a hell of a lot of my self value on other people's opinions of me, and that is something I need to change.
It is however, a blessing and a curse of someone who loves as deeply s I do. And it does make for good songwriting! I just have to learn how to channel it so tht it doesn't continuously rattle around in my head.
Thank goodness, there is this wonderful therapy centre, which is an NGO and provides free mental health care to those in need. I have been for about 6 sets of sessions, but I think I need to get back on the waiting list for another round.
Wish me luck <3