I didn't realise it until I looked closer at my body.
This picture was taken when I was 16: roughly a year after the worst of the dark year.
My other had moved to the UK, and I had been waiting for my VIsa. In the meanwhile, I had run away from my sister and been sexually assaulted by my uncle. I did not feel safe.
I was living with my friend in Bishops court, in a house with no parents. Imagine that. A house full of teenagers trying to look after each other. And we did. We cared for each other. My friend's hardcore gangster boyfriend (who was actually just a big teddy inside) used to wash our clothes in the bath and I worked every day from Monday to Saturday - 16 hour shifts a day and then still went out and partied. I never slept.
When I met my ex he was like a night in literal shining armor of chrome and stainless steel.
When we fell in love, it was hook, line and sinker. We were both convinced that we had found our "forever" person.
Before we moved into our own flat, we stayed together in his room at his parent's house, sharing a single bed.
I remember writing my mother a letter expressing that I had, as a 16 year old, decided that I would not be coming to the UK and I had decided to stay with my boyfriend.
He and his entire family made me feel like I was safe. For the 1st time in my life. After everything I had already been through, I cannot express how that felt.
But then I fell pregnant. At first, the doctors in the small suburb of pinelands did not believe I was pregnant and misdiagnosed me with "angst" and a digestive disorder of some sort.
Meanwhile I had been suffering from debilitating morning sickness that actually had me pass out/ faint in public.
I could not keep food down and all I could drink was pure lemon concentrate to keep the nausea at bay.
The second visit to the doctor had me insist on a blood test as the urine test was inconclusive.
I remember the phone call. I remember crashing to the ground.
I thought my body had been destroyed enough that I couldn't fall pregnant, but the test came back positive.
My whole world and near perfect life, that I had just built, came crashing down.
The only person who was genuinely happy to hear I was pregnant was my boyfriend's father.
His brother had made his views very open, and he hated me from that moment. He was convinced that I had fallen pregnant n purpose to "trap" his brother. He made me feel dirty.
My boyfriend did the honorable thing and said it was my body and my choice, but I made sure we made the decision together after exploring all our options. He even offered to marry me.
My physical health was very bad, although I had recovered leaps and bounds from where I was a year before. I dot have any photos of me at my worst, but my anorexia had me drinking 8 LITRES of water per day, and perhaps eating an apple every third day or so. That, mixed with the physical abuse and substance abuse, made me believe I would not be able to carry the baby to term.
It turned out I was right.
I chose to have a termination.
3 months later, I was diagnosed with life threatening cholecystitis.
Once again, none of the doctors I visited believed me when I tried to explain how much pain I was in. It took 6 or seven different doctors before the last one took ne look at me and said I had gallstones, referring me directly to Vincent Pallotti Hospital.
An ultrasound confirmed that I has been passing shards of glass through my insides. I had developed Gall stones, thanks to my anorexia. I had also developed sepsis and I needed urgent surgery to remove my gall bladder.
While I was "under," they called my partner and my mother in the UK as they thought I wasn't going to make it through surgery. There just wasn't "enough of me" left to fight.
It turned out that my decision to terminate my pregnancy actually saved my life, as both myself and my unborn child would have died on the operating table.
I still felt like the power to make the decision that was in my heart was taken away from me, as I was painted as a villain for falling pregnant.
I stayed with my ex fir 8 years in total. This all happened in our first ye
It was only after my termination that I realized that the physical pain of a termination and the blood loss etc. was not the most traumatic part. I couldn't even watch nappy ads on TV. I would run t the bathroom before sobbing and then finding my composure again.
We never spoke about it.
His mother and father forgave me... but he never looked at me the same way ever again.
It was only decades later, long after I had Matthew and had gone through a divorce, that I heard from him and he expressed how much it had hurt him.
I have to wonder, what would have happened if I had made crucial decisions differently? God, I was only 16.
But it all still haunts me to this day.
#16DaysOfActivismAgainstGenderBasedViolence #WarOnWomen #childpregnancy #bodyautonomy #mybodymychoice #MedicalNegligence #lifelongtrauma
I wrote a song about it.
The lyrics go like this:
Rock A Doo Bye Baby
Rock a doo bye baby I swear to you sweet baby If you had been my babe I would have given you the moon oooh oooh oooh oooh The moon and all the stars but you were never meant for me mmmm mmmmm ooooooooh ooooooh mmmm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm'
Watch you grow from afar watch you walk push a cart watch your blonde hair grow and your button nose and I'll never forget Every year, count the date I know that it's not you I Can't help it
Rock a doo bye baby I swear to you sweet baby If you had been my babe, I would have given you The moon oooh oooh oooh oooh The moon and all the stars But you were never meant for me oooh oooh oooh oooh mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm
When I see you I dream It was you, it was me If I weren't so young and it weren't so wrong In an alter-universe You could have been all mine
But is ok now I only cry on the bad days
I guess I never really let you Go oooh oooh oooh oooh And still I see you in those eyes that
Rock a doo bye baby With your eyes so blue bye baby If you had been my babe I would have given you The moon oooh oooh oooh oooh The moon and all the stars but you were never meant for me mmmm mmmm ooooh ooooh
mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmmm
mmmmm
but you were never meant
for
me... oh
