My posts have all been flooded - of late - with Zak's hospitalization after things went horribly wrong with a scrape on his leg turned ugly. It's just been a hectic and all consuming time for all of us as a family. The kids were worried and stressed, which caused them to act out, I was tired, emotionally raw, and physically in agony: which made me snap at them and perhaps not handle it as empathetically as I normally would have.
I was exhausted.
Facebook memories put this totally accurate comparison together just to make me feel like crap! Lol... It looks like two different people. To be fair, in the 1st shot, I was wearing contacts instead of glasses and was all dressed up for date night. In the second shot, I had survived a day from hell, which included admitting Zak to hospital for surgery, waiting for him to come out of surgery, trying to time my meds, and driving around for most of the day. I look like I was dragged through a bush backwards!
It was scary.
Scary for Zak
Scary for the kids
Scary for me: especially considering my experience in the wound care centre where I saw this kind of thing go horribly wrong.
The infection was hectic. I am so glad we got Zak medical attention when we did and that he finally surrendered to the care of the staff, nurses, and doctors at Blouberg Hospital. If we had left it any longer, he could have suffered far more invasive surgery and possibly even have lost his leg.
Sleeping alone also sucked. Big time. I already suffer from massive sleeping problems, but this made everything worse. I took my hugging pillow to Zak, and Lexi provided me with as much love and comfort as she could. But I still woke up almost every hour, searching for Zak in the dark. At least I could find her.
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I am incredibly grateful to say; that thanks to all the incredible help from close friends like 
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Life doesn't stop when drama like this happens and I still had to manage a household on my own with teenagers who were acting out horribly; either towards each other or directly at me. This did seem to improve once I was able to take them to see him in the hospital and they could see he was safe and gave him a big hug.
I went for my first interview in over a year on Tuesday. I am not sure if I will land the position, but the whole process was extremely good for me. It has made me braver and more likely to keep looking for appropriate jobs like that going forward. The truth is undeniable that I need more income.
The interview took place in my homeland of Claremont, on the other side of the mountain, exactly where I grew up. After the interview, I made a drive-by to just see the school. I didn't do a full round, but I am hoping we will have a reunion one day like we had for Westerford. Grove Primary was my home from grade 1 to grade 7. So many memories...
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Grove was the one constant while horrific trauma was happening at home. My mom was slaving away as a nurse and my dad was hitting rock bottom as an alcoholic. He was drunk all the time and fought terribly and physically with my older sister while I hid under the bed and tried to disassociate as much as possible. I almost perfected it which both protected me and damned me at the same time in the future.
The fights got so bad that one evening, I actually feared for my sister's life and went to the neighbors to call the police. Unbelievably, the neighbors were hesitant to "get involved with our drama," but - and out of character for me - I was forceful about calling the cops. I then had to watch my father being dragged off by the cops in handcuffs and stuffed into the back of the van. The guilt and anger of this night never left me.
But Grove was as supportive as they could be in those days and I eventually came out of my shell and flourished both socially and academically, but especially with my drama and acting, and singing.
It was strange... parking on the road that I used to walk up every day - aptly named Grove Avenue. It was so easy to slip into myself in my blue dress and blazer, making my way to and from school. It was very emotional, both sad and happy I guess, but mostly I was filled with regret at how much of my life I had wasted loving unlovable people instead of myself and not honoring that little girl who had already been through so much.
I've also been in regular contact with my mother, who is stuck in England and unable to work due to terrible nerve pain in her pelvis and back. She is waiting for the MRI results to see if anything can be done, but realistically, she does turn 75 this year. She is way beyond retirement age and it is time for her to hang up her epaulettes after almost 50 years of nursing.
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This also means I need to help her find accommodation here in South Africa, possibly putting her into a care facility - one with different levels of care so that currently, she has somewhere safe to live and will be well fed, but will also have the freedom to move about as she pleases.
It's a scary time... that we've got to this point. But all things considered, my Gran went into Sea Point place at the age of 70 and she still lived another 30 years.
Still, dealing with this alone, especially without my sister is heavy and emotionally draining. I will be her proxy and I already have power of attorney over all her accounts. Everything is in place... insurance documents and the like... I've just sort of ignored the inevitable for as long as I possibly could. Now, after she has spent decades looking after me, I will need to look after her.
While she has been off from work, she has been embracing her talents as an artist and has been producing some beautiful works. I hope that she continues to do this as a creative outlet like this is both great for her self-esteem as well as her cognitive function - something I want to take care of as much as possible by managing her pain and stress accordingly so that she doesn't become affected by Alzheimers too early - like my gran who refused pain medication.
Anyway, perhaps I am looking too far into the future. There is still a chance that my mother will spend another year or two in England, should her condition improve, as she has an opportunity on the East Coast of England. I was hoping to visit her there once more and perhaps even take Matthew.
We can only do what we an with what we have in terms of time, money and emotional energy... so one day at a time....
One day at a time.
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