Today is the eve of what feels like the most frigtening day of my life. I know it's not. Not really. Not if I go through the circus that my life has been and all the utterly awful things I've been through that have led me to be diagnosed with the fruit loop box of mental illnesses I've gained along the way.
Despite all these things... I've always made it through, right?
Why is it that this particular battle is hitting me so damn hard?
Because the stakes are so high?
Because I can't handle conflict?
Because in times of stress I revert back to the little girl who hides under the bed?
Because the aggressor in this situation has hit everyone of my shame triggers?
Because I lost my father and I'm terrified of turning out anything like him?
It's all of the above.
It's also because the stakes are so high. For the 1st time in my life, I have found my person. The person I've been looking for my whole life. We've built such a wonderful home for our kids and for the 1st time ever, we've all been able to breath. To feel like we've come home. To feel safe and truly loved.
The last few months have just been so hard though. From the kids losing their mom, to me losing my dad, to us losing our precious kitty Chai, to the seemingly endless issues with my disability and insurance being shitty to the final nail in the coffin, which is what I'm facing tomorrow.
I'm fighting an unfair retrenchment. Not just with anyone, but with someone who has consistently abused and lied to me. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow.
Her refusal to settle or negotiate in the conciliation process has led us to arbitration. This means that both she and I will undergo interrogation and ultimately, the court will decide for us.
I'm frightened. Not frightened of what I'm going to say because I know what happened was wrong... But frightened if her and her ability to twist the truth, be deceitful and aggressive.
Being a survivor if abuse like this means all my buttons are being pushed and I'm drowning in fear.
I know I just need to make it through... So today, I'm just trying to be kind to myself....
This blog will probably be the most productive I'll be today, and I think that's OK. I need to find a sweet spot between rest, meditation and realizing I've prepared as much as I can. I've played my hand and this is no longer in my control. I've got to let it go now.
I need to remember that whatever happens tomorrow, I still have dreams, a future, a family... And somehow I'll be OK.
Thank you to all of you for your love and support. If you find a few minutes for me today, in your own way, and whatever you believe....
Please say a little prayer for me 💜
