What was it that you clung to tightly (an ideal, a person, a stage of life) that life forced you to let go of? What was the emotional process of accepting that it was no longer part of your present?
Love can be a beautiful sweet sour experience. Sometimes, love is the lesson that sets you free. It started as childhood friendship. Our parents shared a close relationship, and what began as play-study grew into something more. He was “prince charming” in my eyes. I was head over heels feeling lucky and excited for a future that felt safe and familiar with great family goals.
The red flags were there. I just didn’t care because love can beclouding. I was in year two at the university while he had already finished and secured a good job. His family was supportively capable and they promised that I will be fine and still complete my education. He proposed three times. And the three times, I said no not because I didn't love him. I was not considering or ready for marriage and also I was not to ready to let him go. I felt so uneasy about the marriage proposal. I told him to hold on until I was done with my study. He did not object and he quietly agreed to wait.
Two weeks later, I woke up to a pre-wedding pictures. I called to ask about it and he said it was a prank. He sent me gifts, something he rarely did except compelled. The same secretary I had suspected he was becoming too close with. When I confronted him, he said I was just being jealous.
Guess who was standing beside him in the photos, the secretary.
I felt betrayed. I felt played. I cried so much then. It happened during my semester examinations, and I barely could read properly . I was lucky enough not to fail any course. The heartache and betrayal were real and deep.
My mum noticed I had not been eating and asked why. I told her I had "issues with him". She laughed and said, "Girl, you better eat so you have more strength to cry and know that you are yet to meet good men."
Few days later, he sent me a message: "Did you really cry? Since I can’t marry the woman I love, let me marry the woman that loves me." He added that his mother didn’t really like the woman he married the way she liked me. That she often called her my name. That she took seriously ill when she learnt it wasn’t me.
_Still date, I don't know if the message was to ridicule or engage me in a chat. I simply ignored his message, blocked his contact. I avoided everything that had to do with him.
The process of acceptance and recovery
I thought silence and avoidance were healing. I was so wrong._
Years later, I realized I was still hurting. I avoided every person who approached me. It got so bad that my dad said, "If you continue this way, loving and being loving will be hard".
Yes, I was punishing myself for his choice while he was living free.
I started healing when I understood something:
- I deserved better than someone who had to be compelled to choose me, give or do something.
- Someone who wanted marriage just to secure a contract. The only thing he needed was to be married. That was the reason for the sudden proposal.
Then one day in church, someone said, "You have to forgive for yourself to be free." you are still tied to your past and living with the hurt and hatred.
Those words made me self reflect, I prayed under my breath and said, "I forgive you and I wish you the best." And I felt great peace and joy in my soul.
I also read books that aided my recovery. I loved myself again. I took it as a lesson learned.
You don’t heal in silence. You heal with confidence in self and worth. Letting go, acceptance and recovery wasn’t instant, It was gradual and long for me with prayer, books and daily smart choices at a time.
It took me about four years to love again But when I did, it was different. It was peaceful. It was genuine. Love is a person and also a feeling. Both did i find and it was worth the wait. Within those years, he called my number and wanted to reconnect. I told him I wish him well but I don’t want to be in touch.
Today, I’m happy it didn’t work out because now I now know what genuine love looks like. And I found someone who values it. Someone I could trust enough to say Yes to forever. Talking about it today with ease and clarity is a clear evidence that I'm not bound by the experience.
I have learned that some people are like John the Baptist; they prepare the way so the saviour will or can come. He wasn’t my forever. He was preparation.