It seems like it happened just yesterday. This is the feeling that a lot of victims of domestic violence might experience. Years have passed, wounds have been healed but the moment of the attack lingers in the memory.
When people think of domestic violence they usually have severe physical damage in their mind. This is true and as we speak women get killed by men in vicious domestic altercations. There is also the unseen attack of the abuser: verbal , emotional and psychological.
I remember when myself included had to go through such a horrible experience with a man and I can still remember the monster face who was looking me in the eyes in that night when he put his hands on me. Every woman who has gone through abuse knows what I am talking about.
I am lucky to be alive and mentally sane after getting out of such a relationship. I was also lucky to have the Hive community back me up as this person also had a Hive account and I was able to show their true colours and ask for help from the community to stop this individual from threatening me. It seems like a memory in a past I can’t believe I was involved.
There are signs that a male is an abuser. These signs, if you know them and observe them, can help you make a decision that will literally save your life. Watch out and be very serious when observing a man’s behaviour towards you in the early stage of any relationship!
WARNING SIGNS
They are verbally abusive. First you will notice how they talk trash about other people. I have witnessed how they lashed out at their parents without any consequence. They gossip about everybody. You look at this man and think that they will not do the same to you? You are sadly mistaken. I have received multiple verbal threats early on that I ignored: “I will break your hand”, “you are insane”, “you are stupid” ,”I will get you banned from Hive” ( oh well this did not work out at all for them as I spoke out and I am sure that the Hive community will never allow them to make another account on this marvelous platform).Verbal abuse shows that this person has no control on their emotions and no empathy. Some might be even undiagnosed psychopaths who are walking among us.
They are emotionally abusive. They will talk badly and act like nothing happened in the upcoming minutes. They never apologize. They have no remorse. They lack empathy.They are manipulative and use words to lure you back in. They will treat you so bad that you will start to also act bad in order to defend yourself. They thrive on bringing you down on your knees.
They lack a good life. Be very careful at the image they portray on social media . They can show off with their car, bike or other accessory in order to seem like they have it all together. In real life they are broke and broken. You might be shocked to meet a person who is in their 40’s and still depend on mom and dad for food, expenses and daily cost of life. They can’t manage their money(they usuall have none in the first place), they are stuck in a dead end job, in debt and they do not have the lifestyle they want to project on social media. They will happily exploit you for money and be prepared to not be provided for.
They do not have masculine energy. They never make future plans for you. You will take money out of your own pocket in order to be with this man. This is a huge red flag. Men who abuse women have a plethora of stories of how they dealt with “crazy women” but no story about how they stood up to other men. This is because they are ,in what we would call mundane language, a wuss. They are not alfa. They can’t be. They lack self confidence and they draw their energy from putting other people down. They pick talented, creative, strong women by mimicking emotional intelligence and then they destroy them. If you escape alive and sane you can be grateful to him because he showed you everything that a real man is not and therefore you will know what to avoid next time.
They can’t keep a promise. You can’t trust them. You will discover that they kept secrets from you. They have several masks that they use in order to get by in life. You never seem to get to the real person. They lack self esteem and you can notice that in all of their lack of action. You notice that their friendships are shallow and that they usually use people as a means to an end. If they ever keep a promise it is usually done in order to gain them an advantage.
They have a bad temper. They get easily triggered and angry for the pettiest things. This is an early warning sign that this man will , at a certain point, become physically violent. Violent words precede violent actions. If you contact one of their exes or even more I can bet my life on it that they will confirm anger issues. This is the sign for you to run.
They always do nice things after they mess you up. This is their classical technique of manipulation. You will cling on to these tiny specks of affection and delude yourself that maybe they are not a mental wreck. This is premeditated delusion and they know what they’re doing. Do yourself a favor and pack every gift or every stuff that reminds you of him and throw them in the trash. I have done this long time ago and it was liberating. Healthy men are consistent and never violent. An abusive man can buy you the moon, beat you to death and then cry at your funeral. They are that sick.
They have a history of having a grudge with multiple people. You are not the first person that gets abused by them, be it verbally, emotionally or psychologically. Their block list is full of people that THEY damaged and in their twisted mind they are the victim that blocks. The longer the block list the worse is their temper and the more people they damaged. This shows how capable they are to turn healthy people into victims that must get therapy to get better after an interaction with them.
Their relationship with their mom is shit and the same goes with the rest of the family. The family patterns are toxic. Do not do the mistake of going to an abuser’s mother to tell them the truth about their boy. You will find a person who has the same lack of empathy because only out of a toxic mother a man like this emerges in society. You will feel tension instantly when you go at his family. There is no expression of love, no communication, no emotion. It is a sterile environment in which you only have the bare minimum to survive: food and shelter. This man has usually been the victim of violence coming from his father and/or mother and passes on the aggressive behaviour towards others. Don’t try to rescue them, they do not want to be rescued. Be happy that you escaped and that you have no children with this monster, imagine having to watch your babies having a father like that. Horrendous reality through which millions of women go through on a daily basis.
HOW TO GET HELP
If you live in the same house and he has a violent moment try at any cost to stop it. You should call the police. To this day I regret that I did not do that because the only thing that this man deserves is a criminal record for domestic violence to be put next to his cool motorbike social media photos. Take self defence classes in order to build your confidence.
Call anyone to come and take you from there. Get out from the building if you have to, knock on a neighbhour’s door. It doesn’t matter if it is in the middle of the night. Scream, make noise, ask for help. Staying overnight with an abuser after you stopped a violent attack is a major risk. Do anything in order to get out from his presence as it can save your life. A lot of women died because they did not run from the abuser when the shit hit the fan.
Go to therapy and see what wounded parts of you made you the perfect candidate for such a relationship. You have to have a lot of trauma in order to accept such an individual in your life. Accept that that was the level of your conscioussness, forgive yourself for having this relationship and heal. Discard to the trash anything reminding you of them. Don’t check their social media and try to move on as you heal. God will do you justice and leave that guy to get his divine punishments for all of the wrongdoings.
Talk to a confidant about it. Most women hide from their best friends that they have gone through abuse. The abuser counts on this as there is an element of shame involved. It took me a long time until I opened up and revealed the abuse I went through to my friends. To this day I believe that if I were to tell them earlier they would have pinpointed the red flags and I would have been out of it much sooner.
REMEMBER
Abusers always pick stronger individuals than them. They attach to everything they can never be. They feel strong when they take a healthy person and bring them down to their level. You my darling are worth so much and wherever you are be proud that you escaped from the mental asylum this men live in on a daily basis. They are miserable and unhappy deep inside no matter what they portray on the outside. Be thankful that you’ve got out alive and always tell your story in order to empower other women. People are always shocked to see beautiful , gorgeous and talented women just like me having gone through such ordeals with an abuser. It can happen to anyone. Be brave, pray to the Lord and be happy that from this experience you took the wisdom and that it made you a stronger woman.
Share your stories and advices so it would empower other women to cut the chord from these vicious men!