09/11/24
It's all about the mood...
Coffee is served. Toast and eggs too - sunny side up to be exact. Because one gotta be "in the mood" in order to write. And to be in good mood for writing pleasant things - I gotta have my coffee first. Sorry but - cat has to be ignored for a bit. Our moods don't go together sometimes and that's okay. I'm not a God - cat's not either - not yet convinced of this 'till now tho. Let's see.
5:30 PM, I know it's weird. Night shift completely altered my sense of time. Someone's gotta live. Someone's gotta live well. It is expensive to exist in this comfortable little bubble of mine.
These little musings of mine will soon make it to the digital world - raw and unfiltered. I don't care if this is not good enough of a content for your taste. This journal is supposed to be just a trash bin for thoughts that need to be discarded. For my eyes only - you're welcome. But another one's trash is someone else's treasure. Who knows? You get your own little entertainment at someone else's expense. Nothing amoral about that tho.
I didn't bother to stylize this page as I feel like I'm pressured to perform to an audience. Just like writing - I gotta be in the mood for art stuff.
See, it's all about the mood. And today's mood is calm. And FYI, I'm on a calm streak for days now. Nothing diabolical happening - thanks to DBT. I've been following the exercises religiously. They are just mostly journal prompts for noting thoughts and for emotional regulation. Yes, I gotta learn how to be a "well-adjusted" human being in order to navigate the open world, like a child learning how to walk again.
It has been easier than ever to fill these pages with my thoughts and mood. Even mood tracking takes practice. So I guess my mood is getting better. Stable.
09/12/24
Energy-sapping Vampires...
If you are to sell me to "Big Brother", here are my
Top 3 Fears:
- C_______ (It's more than 4 letters so it's not what you think)
- Unwanted Attention
- Extremely Insecure People.
Okay, I didn't include the top 1 because Big Brother preying upon our fears is not at all impossible anymore in the distant future. Besides, I just don't trust people. Even if it's my "partner", hypothetically. When it comes to survival - it's gonna be just ourselves. If you've come to this point and you still don't know what I'm talking about - check out 1984.
Speaking of extremely insecure people - I met someone in a meet up who kind of pretends she knows what I'm talking about. You know these people who will just randomly blurt authors or big words to seem intelligent. She told me proudly that she doesn't read. And yet, when I talked to others about some books like by " Dostoevsky" or some psychological terms like DBT, she went on like "Ahhhh Dostoevsky..." or like "you have to understand DBT...". The funny thing was that she said these without expounding at all. See, I see through people these days. And I'm not being judgmental, or maybe I am. But I just know straight away if someone is just pretending to gain approval or be accepted. I also developed a strong radar for extremely insecure people. I mean we all have insecurities right? But the extreme ones tend to latch on to the strong and confident ones for any of these - validation, compliments and affection. I learned the hard way to ward off these energy-sapping vampires. The radar is real.
Once I started giving myself my own validation, once I started to learn how to value myself first, my likes/compliments started to get rare and valuable. Extremely insecure peeps rarely get these from others - they don't even give these to themselves, so when I subconsciously compliment or validate them, they start getting this Dopamine rush - and they will get addicted to it and will want more and more. Until I feel used and depleted because these people usually have nothing to give back. They were not interested in me in the first place. They were just there so they could suck that Dopamine bloody of a drug out of me. In a nutshell, these vampires drain my energy big time and I'm scared of them. Extremely insecure people are dangerous.
I mentioned that I subconsciously compliment or validate someone because it's one of those "learned" and part cultural people-pleasing diabolical skill. I have no time for this shit anymore and this shit has to go.
Now, whenever someone tries to extract validation or fish compliments from me, not being mean or unkind tho, I just say the most neutral words that I can say. I decide to be "nice" and validating once its warranted. The same way I cannot trust people who are overly friendly and nice to me at the onset when I haven't proved anything to them yet. Sorry but not sorry. Adulting these days means choosing myself. Self, yes - there's nothing wrong about this anymore.
Energy-Sapping Vampires....
