I realize it's a case of not seeing the forest through the trees. In an age of continuous self-improvement, how easy it is to lose yourself in all the ways in which you are failing, still. So this time, because I figured my nervous system would appreciate it, and because I resonated with this week's Ladies of Hive theme, I decided to take a trip along past dreams.
What dream did you achieve that your younger self would be proud of?
Obviously, writing is the first thing that (inevitably) comes to mind, and I remind myself often ot be grateful for that. This time in which, for better or worse, I am trying towards this writing dream of mine. Trying, as I can, to not half-ass it. :)
But that's somewhat abstract - when do you consider you've "done" it, and won't there always be more to achieve?
The brilliant Jewish Quarter in Krakow, Poland.
I turned, instead to other dreams. Dug out me old bucket list, that I put together at 17. I thought I'd see how I was doing after about ten years.
I found a bunch I either hadn't quite nailed down yet (or perhaps stopped wanting altogether). Stuff like:
- Go to another continent (yet to);
- Jump with a parachute (although I did fly recently, so maybe I get a half-point on that one);
- To get up, go to the airport, and get on the first plane to anywhere (which now kinda sends the planning part of my brain into fits);
- To go on a long, tiresome hike up a tall mountain with the love of my life and make love to him/her at the top (entirely paraphrasing my 17-year-old self here - who teaches 17-year-olds these kinda things? Hiking?! Wherefor and why?);
- To meet a ghost;
- To fly in a small aircraft, which my young self thought was a helicopter (flying, as you can see, is a big thing for me);
- To sail a boat;
- Go to Mars (ahem, Elon);
- To film a movie;
Then, there's the ones I have done, which I didn't think I'd get done in 10 years, or maybe ever (What did I know, at the time...), and that I'm immensely grateful for, like:
- To fall madly in love with someone and for them to fall back;
- To ride a motorcycle;
- Swim in the ocean;
- (Attempt to) Learn how to surf;
- To cry with happiness;
Not as many as the ones I haven't yet done, sure, but not too shabby, either. Then finally, there's the ones that seem to be in-between, like:
- To swim in really high waves (apparently, nobody thought to define 'really high' more specifically - so in a way, I have, but how high is high enough?);
- To write the most beautiful/compelling novel in the world (there are parts of Warhound that are, to me, fantastically beautiful and something I am immensely proud of, so again, who decides and how?).
So while I still got a fair few to check-mark, I've gotta say, I've achieved enough dreams in the last 9-10 years for my young self to be proud of. The thing about the journey is,
It's never over ('till it is), so you gotta take little checkpoints as you go, and remember where you've come from, who you are, and what matters to you. You often find, you've come farther than you've realized.
I also discovered, in my keepsakes, a "new and improved" bucket list I wrote 2 days before my 25th birthday last year. Besides the obvious ones from the old one, it seems I also wanted to...
- Nomad some more;
- Go on "that Dylan trip" (it's long been a dream of mine to walk the footsteps of one of my favorite authors for a while);
- Master the splits (you get creaky as you age...);
- Dive off a cliff;
- Try shibari (got damn kinky with age, also, apparently...but I don't mean in a sexy way. Well, not too sexy anyway);
- And ultimately, find someone who won't get lost (aren't we all looking for that one all the time, though?).
It was a fun little excursion into my own past selves, one that reminded me that even though so much in my life is weird, still, and undefined and worrisome, I'm ultimately living the life I always wanted to live, that somehow (despite all the oddities) I didn't end up on such a wrong path, after all.
That's a pretty cool realization, that.
