As I said in an earlier post, this week the wonderful Ladies of Hive community posed not one, but two questions that sparked my curiosity, so here I am, again, with an answer to their second prompt. The question this time was, what are some of the most common lies men believe about women?
And I thought it's an interesting question. I've always been fascinated by the male/female dynamic, and used to write quite a bit on the subject here, on Hive, though of late, that's a topic I delve into more on Medium (I just feel the audience is better equipped for that kind of subject).
I started down this rabbithole by exploring common lies told about women, including those offered by the LOH community themselves.
- Women are power-hungry. And money-hungry. Can't forget that.
- Women aren't as interested in sex as men.
- It's shameful for women to be interested in sex.
- Women are less intellectual than men.
The list goes on and on. I'm sure you've got your own to throw into the mix. Personally, the one that bugged me most from the men around me was this general impression that women can't.
Until I realized, it wasn't an impression.
Breaking down the anatomy of a lie.
In general parlance, we refer to untrue, deceitful statements as lies. Sometimes, the deception is open and obvious, at times, it's more nuanced, or incomplete, which creates a murky underlayer that seeks to justify lying. But at its core, a lie is something that is not true. Period.
...Except, these things have got to be true about some women, otherwise they would not exist. See, a lot of the gender stereotypes that still plague our current society were born of two important factors:
- Men's own inadequacies and insecurities, alleviated by a feeling of superiority. There is one feminist argument that says of course men had to pretend they had the upper hand, and were in all ways superior, to balance the phenomenal power women hold, that of creating new life. I'm not so sure I believe that, though. I try to stay away from all this divisive ideology. Nevertheless, a lot of the things we believe about the people around us (whether the same or the opposite gender) comes from our own fears, insecurities, worries, and skewed perception of self.
- Truth. The other main contributor to gender stereotypes was, to an extent, plain truth.
All lies are rooted in truth, it would be absurd of us to claim otherwise. Naturally, in life, I've come across my fair share of "lies" that men believe about women. Except in most cases, they stemmed from unfortunate past experiences.
Gold digger, mother figure?
For example, if a man believes a woman to be power-hungry or money-hungry, it's a reflection both of his character, and the women he's known in the past. The belief that women are interested in money or power can reveal about a man one of two things: either a, he himself is obsessed with the material plane, or b, he's not as successful/powerful as he wishes, and that leads to deep frustration, which is then projected on the people around him.
And just as there are men interested in influence and luxury, so there are women. One tends to attract the other, thus permeating the "lie" that women are power-hungry and money-obsessed.
I briefly dated a guy who fell into this category last year. Heavily money-focused (and very emotionally fucked-up, of course), which reflected in his interactions with myself. In the incessant need to talk about the luxurious things he'd bought. And in the insistence that he pay exclusively for all the luxurious, expensive places we went. He admitted openly that his money, he knew, was a factor of attraction, particularly for younger women who, like myself, weren't really financially stable or independent. Obviously, it didn't last long, as that really wasn't a good fit with my own mentality and values, but would I be right in saying what he believed was a lie? I don't think so.
Just because I was unimpressed by the luxury doesn't make it true of all women, which is the only scenario in which we could rule that a lie.
A filthy Madonna complex
Obviously, in modern times, we've shrugged off the outdated belief that women are not as interested in sex as men or that interest in sex is shameful for a woman, but that, also was rooted in some truth.
First and foremost, a biological truth, since men and women are biologically different. Men really do lean more towards polygamy. One needs only look at the animal kingdom to see it's in the nature of healthy males to seek to procreate more than women, just as it is in the interest of women, as mothers and primary caregivers, to seek stability for their young, which typically takes the form of monogamy.
I heard the theory that "healthy males", with a keen interest on the furthering of the species, naturally must prevent the female from procreating with imperfect matches (and presumably, healthy males assume subconsciously they are the perfect match). Now, I don't know if that's true or if I believe it, but I do think it cam explain why our society has been so oppressive of female sexuality, and turned something natural into something taboo.
Couple that with the inherent need of keeping our madonnas pristine, and the taboo explains itself.
But at its core, this premise also is rooted in some truth. If you observe a woman and a man in a relationship, it's far more likely that the man will be more interested in sex than the woman. There's nothing mean or duplicitous about it.
Inflatable women with inflatable brains
Obviously, being heavily concerned with the intellectual aspects of life, the one that bugged me most was some men's belief that a woman's artistic or intellectual pursuits were "cute". There isn't a word more arrogant, or more patronizing in the English language.
Oh, I wanted to shout "sexist pig" from the rafters whenever I hit upon that mentality, but I've meditated on the topic quite a bit, and now I'm not so sure. For a long time, women were ferociously oppressed, particularly on this plane. What could a woman possibly want with reading, art, or philosophy?
To think that only a handful of decades ago, women had to pretend to be men to earn literary credit, and acclaim, boggles the mind. But we're not here to talk about past sexism.
Rather, to explain something. Because of this systematic oppression, it's fair to assume that most women were not as artistically or intellectually developed as the men, in the past. Not because of a personal lacking, but rather a lack of resources and opportunity. So already, we've established some truth, albeit twisted, and forced, in this belief.
Fast-forward to the world of now, when although they have the opportunity and resource, plenty of women just won't read. That's also true of the men, but they aren't working with the historical bias, on top of current societal laziness.
Is it unfair to downplay women's intellectual pursuits? When you look at all the great writers and thinkers of the past decades, no. But maybe the average Joe who's most likely to spout this nonsense isn't looking at those artists and thinkers. Maybe his focus is less Frieda Kahlo, and more the girls he sees on dating apps, who put forward an Instagram handle, but can't string two sentences about themselves.
Can there be such a thing as personal lies?
Or just personal untruths? Because that's all these "lies" men believe about women are. Things that may have been true of the women in their life, but not about you or me, personally. As such, I've come across my fair share of untruths, though less than other women.
I'm a deeply independent girl, and also a very creative person, which makes me open-minded, and somewhat unusual, but so are the people I tend to attract around myself. In other words, if I sensed someone's deep convictions did not align with who I was, I simply drifted away from them. As you need to do. Because who are you, or who am I to speak to universal truth?
I can only know the truth as it exists for me. I may not be power-hungry, and I might not fit the virginal innocent stereotype of the 1800s. But that doesn't make those people stop existing, just like their own convictions won't make me stop existing.
At the end of the day, I think the biggest lies people believe about other people aren't really lies, but powerful truths, either about the world around them, or about themselves. So me, when I meet someone who buys into a rethoric I don't ascribe to, I try to give them a nudge, and ask "Why do you think that?" before I drift gently away.