This week, the wonderful Ladies of Hive asked its members to comment on the topic of single mothers, regardless if they were one or not.
Immediately, when I read that, an alert went up in my brain. No, no, let's not. Like it was a taboo subject, so naturally, I wanted to know where that impression had come from. I was raised by a single mother, and like all children in that position, spent many many years asking "but why isn't my family normal?". It became a subject to be avoided, in my mind, lest someone in the "real world" notice I'm not like them, and try to kick me out forcefully. In other words, it was an automated response from the child in me, not the adult, who found she rather likes it here on the outskirts of normality.
So in part to overcome my own angst, and partly because I've quite a few thoughts on the matter, I thought I'd talk about it.
Fatherly duties? What's the responsibility of a man who leaves?
One of the hardest challenges for a single-parent family is, of course, the financial plane. Many people in this world struggle to provide for themselves, let alone a growing child. And so, our judiciary and moral systems have come together, to impress some financial constraints on the other parent. That they must "do their share" and provide some kind of financial relief for the mother, to help raise their child. And while that is a tremendous help for single parents, I worry it also gives a remorseful man an easy way out. By giving money to the family you left behind, you're doing something, thus perhaps alleviating your own guilt and remorse over leaving them behind, in the first place.
Are deadbeats still deadbeats if they pay alimony?
... seems to be the question here. I think it's a stupid question, because it reinforces this idea that the only concern with a single-parent family is the financial aspect.
Right. But what about the child? What are a father's duties to the life they've created? Sadly, no amount of cash will comfort a child when he asks,
Why won't you play with me?
Why aren't you here on my birthday?
Why am I the only one without a mommy and a daddy at my graduation festivity?
Why, when all is said and done, couldn't you love me?
To a child struggling with those heavy-hitters, the money might as well go down the drain. But then, that leaves us in a tricky position, because what society could impose on a father playtime, affection, and moral responsibility, without bordering on the totalitarian?
The whole concept is arcane, in that it banks on the outdated belief that in order to thrive, a child only needs food and a roof over his head. It's the belief that allowed so many past generations to emotionally and psychologically scar their offspring. I give you food, I give you shelter, you should be grateful. Of the rest, I, the parent, can do whatever I god-damn like. Beat you. Drink myself into a stupor. Subject you to my own tantrums, or wax emotionally distant. It's not, I'd argue, a definition of healthy parenting.
Now, I don't mean to make small of that, by any means. As the many unfortunate souls to grow up without food or shelter will testify, these are things of tremendous value.
But why is it a choice? While a home and food are good basics, it doesn't seem to me that they need to stand in direct contrast to the other, finer qualities of good upbringing, like love, trust, attention, and safety. No one should be made to choose between those, certainly not a small child. And as long as we're trying to give a child everything they need to grow up sane and strong, those latter additions are non-negotiable.
In my book, a father who only pays alimony, but neglects his child's emotional and psychological needs is still a deadbeat. And perhaps, on a psychological plane, a worse one than the man who disappears entirely, because that tells the child he just couldn't be bothered enough for a full role.
Normalizing single parenthood to our detriment?
When the cultural phenomenon "Friends" decided to portray motherhood, they did so in -- I thought -- rather ingenious ways, by showcasing adoption, surrogacy, as well as single parenting as being normal, and more so, noble. In the ensuing years, society has come to regard single mothers as common-place, with statistics showing that the number of single-parent households is on the rise.
Most people will hardly look at you twice if you say you're a single mother, or the child of a single-parent family. And I'm sure to the mother and the child, that is wonderful. I can't imagine what it must've been like, a hundred years ago, struggling with the tremendous difficulty of single-parenthood and having to bear the brunt of a judgmental society quick to ostracize whoever seemed to challenge its rigid moral structure.
Obviously, no child should be intimidated, bullied, or excluded on account of who their mother or father are. And no mother should have to keep paying for past misfortune.
Yet, take this normalization of single-parenthood, and couple it with the incessant attack on the nuclear family, and you've got a recipe for disaster, I fear. I've read countless blogs of pregnant women "asking nothing of the father". It's a common enough scene on TV, as well.
I'm pregnant, I'm keeping the baby, but consider yourself under no obligation.
Except, he should. If you engage in naughty, boudoir activities that may result in a new life being created, you should, at the back of your head, at least entertain this possibility.
I know plenty of people who got married after a drunken night together (or a drunken six months together) resulted in pregnancy. They wanted to "do the right thing". From the sidelines, I've often wondered what book they were reading from that recommended marriage as the right thing.
I think in no definition of a healthy upbringing, does it specify you need to stay together and make each other (and your child) utterly miserable, in order to "do the right thing". But from that to "you've got no responsibility", there's quite an extreme leap.
I fear that, with the death of the nuclear family, the rise of feminism, and the normalization of single-parenthood, men are coming to be regarded, in that respect at least, as only a cut above sperm donors.
Yes, a woman can raise a healthy, happy child on her own. So can a man. But that should by no means be your ideal.
Growing up in a single-parent family myself, for the longest time, I disregarded the role of men in the upbringing of children. Going off the premise of "I never had one, and I turned out fine", I sort of idealized single-motherhood. My mom's amazing, after all, and she did a great job. With no man to inhibit or hinder our development. I'm sure our father wouldn't have approved of our living the way we do. And between you and me, I'm glad he didn't get a say.
Nevertheless, as I worked to unravel my own suffering and trauma, I came to see the tremendous suffering my prospective single-parent child would go through. And I thought...
... why would I knowingly put a child through that?
At the end of the day, I'm certain I could be a good single mother. But I will not strive for it. Children in single-parent families develop differently, because of the psychological, hormonal differences between the two sexes. And much as it pains me to write this, a child needs both a mother and a father to develop properly, because each has tremendous value to bring to that child's life.
Which brings us to another, oft disregarded aspect of the equation,
Reproductive mistakes of the past will haunt your future children.
In normalizing and including single mothers into our societal fold, we've created a taboo wall around this subject, and I think that's wrong, because it sends future mothers the wrong message. It was customary in the past for a woman to bear the blame of her partner leaving her (often after "having his way"). In other words, it was believed that single mothers were somehow responsible for their present condition. I couldn't think of a meaner, more snide or more cruel burden to put on a woman already in a difficult position.
So this is not that.
However, it's important to acknowledge, I feel, that some of these women could've done with better reproductive choices. Some. Many had no choice, and many acted in what they thought was the best way. But some didn't. Some could have chosen better partners. And some still can, which is why I think it's so important to talk about these things. I think it's paramount that young women today know that who you sleep with has consequences. That your current partner, albeit fun, or handsome, or rich, might not make a good, dependable father. And you shouldn't have a kid with him because he's rich, handsome, or fun, certainly.
I think, without accusing or condemning, we need to at least acknowledge the poor decision-making that went into some of these conceptions, so that we, and our own children might not replicate them. There's tremendous value in being able to look back on the past and on your ancestors, and acknowledge their mistakes.
And while that phrase has been bandied around to the point of becoming trite, we seldom actually do it. Because acknowledging our parents' and grandparents' mistakes feels a little like putting them up against the wall, and that's cruel, because we love them. Naturally, I know the hardship my own mother endured as a single parent, what kind of a monster should I be, to also blame her for it?
The kind of monster who hopes yet to heal. The kind of monster who hopes, yet, that her children may step out of the caves, and into the sunlight, freed of the generational hurt that has so far permeated our bloodline.
...
As a rule, I don't practice self-censorship or offer apologia on Hive, as people here are generally capable of civilized, more enlightened discourse than other platforms. Yet I know this is a very difficult subject for many, and so I wanted to clarify, in case you missed it between the lines. I have nothing but the greatest respect for the women who value a child's life above the difficulties that single motherhood presents. I think they're extraordinary, but I also think that answer alone is a little colorless, so I wanted to explore more in-depth this topic which is very close to my heart. I hope you didn't take offense where none was meant.