When I saw this week's Ladies of Hive question, ushering in the new year, I couldn't help contributing. The ladies wanted to know,
What is the one lesson or knowledge you learned this year that benefitted you as a lady?
Now, I'm hinging on the "as a lady" part, as this isn't necessarily my favorite thing I learned this year, but it's definitely the one that's helped me most as a woman, and in how I perceive myself as a lady. For a long time, I was very self-conscious. Skin problems and being somewhat taller than most girls my age made me somewhat awkward as a girl, and I kinda carried that awkwardness into my adulthood. Physical insecurity, coupled with a deeply-rooted emotional insecurity led to some pretty questionable dating choices.
I felt I couldn't be all that attractive, so anyone who wanted me obviously deserved some kind of medal or something.
Men would compliment me, and I remember thinking "oh they must be lying". I wasn't being coy, I just felt they were probably trying to trick me in some way. It took a long time, a lot of personal work, and several therapy sessions to acknowledge that I might be wrong in this.
My therapist helped a bunch. She often complimented me, and I thought, well, she might be lying, too. Trying to tell me what I wanna hear sort of thing. But then I thought, why would she? Starting from the premise that this is someone who wants to help, she has no reason to say something she doesn't believe. As I got to know the person better, I came to see she wasn't lying. She had no reason to. And having someone you're learning to trust tell you (with no great pomp or hidden motive) that you're beautiful is really powerful.
Dancing also helped a lot. Often, after dance, we'd sit around and share certain moments we'd noticed during the dance class. And people would say things like "I saw you when you had your arms out like this, and you looked so majestic, so beautiful". Again, why lie? Especially since I also had looked around and seen such things and knew, in my heart, that the people I'd observed as beautiful at the time were, that I genuinely believed that about them.
But the thing that helped best was tackling all that heavy emotional insecurity. The reasons behind why I thought it was so inconceivable for others to see me as beautiful. The reason why I couldn't myself as such. Abandonment, rejection, the usual stuff. And gradually working through those and making my peace with those, I came to understand rationally, maturely why I was wrong. Or rather, how my perception of myself, being grounded in unhealthy, unhelpful thought mechanisms couldn't be accurate.
It didn't happen overnight, but over the second half of 2023, I began to notice in myself more confidence. I walked different. I carried myself different. I noticed that when people looked my way, my mind no longer went to "oh, my hair must look all stupid, or they're probably laughing at my big red face". I would see them looking and look back, and think well yeah, I'm having a really good hair day. I know. Thank you."
I also smiled a lot. As I said, it was a good year, I felt so much more at peace with myself, and so found a lot more reasons to smile on a day-to-day basis, and with an improved confidence, found the courage to let my joy shine outward.
Little by little, I shifted my perception from shock at the possibility of being perceived as pretty to well, it's normal to look at people you find attractive, and who smile, and all that.
Did my physical appearance change? Not markedly. My hair's about the same, my face and body are about the same as they were in 2022. What did change was my attitude. I started thinking of myself as an attractive, beautiful person. More importantly, I became happier in my hearth. I became more grounded and created healthy habits that made the little minute aspects of day-to-day life enjoyable. Things that made me glad of the life I led, and looking forward to return to my own little life.
And it's something so incredibly powerful about enjoying your life, and being content with the life you've created for yourself. It's unspeakably impactful, more so than all the beautifying creams in Sephora.
Oddly enough, I also ditched make-up a lot over the past year. I used to be someone who wore a lot more make-up, but now, it's a rare occasion when I really do that. I mean, I'll throw on some liner or the occasional mascara when I'm feeling fancy. I'll put on a bit of lipstick when going out the door, but my make-up habits have grown so minimal.
There used to be a time when I would be genuinely surprised when a man interacted with me when I was in slacks, wearing no make-up and with messy hair. I'd think "looking like that?! what could he possibly see?". But now, over the past year, I've had quite a few men approach me when looking just like that, and felt "well of course, I'm beautiful".
Because I was feeling it. And no doubt, it was what attracted those men and made them want to speak to me. A couple of weeks ago, I went out clubbing with some friends from dance class. In my dance attire. All sweaty, with my sports bra under a wide, flowy shirt. Hair damp and sticky. No make-up. Yet I felt so sexy. So powerful. All the other girls there were wearing these glitzy glamorous, tight outfits, and had their make-up and hair done.
When I was younger, I would've felt so shy and ugly in comparison. But now, I had such a blast, I danced with these random, strange girls, united by the music and the joy of being alive. I felt like a million dollars.
So that's the one lesson I'd pick from a very bountiful 2023 that's helped me most as a woman. The realization that, to quote an old poem, it's all in a state of mind. When I started feeling beautiful, overnight, the world started treating me as such.